I now have a creepy old animatronic chicken vending machine in my living room, so that’s a thing...

I bumped into this fine abomination two months ago when we were in the midst of moving, and happened to notice the place we were picking up our U-Haul truck from was attached to a rather cool antique’s store. I almost bought it then and there, but with all the various moving expenses, I figured it would be a tough-sell to the wife. But I swore an oath on that very spot, that if the poultry gods looked favorably upon me, and it was still for sale the next time I came through town... oh yes... it would be mine!


The store owner told me it was non-operational, so I was anticipating a long period of tinkering and frustration, but much to my surprise, it not only worked as soon as I plugged it in, it’s also still fully stocked with vintage plastic treats from the 1970's. Score! And judging by what blessings we’ve received from El Poyo The Destroyer so far, he/she/it was last stocked sometime around Halloween of whatever year it was last used. Double Score!
Of course, it’s still locked and I don’t have the keys. (not anymore!) Before I resort to breaking and entering, I’ve been trying to find any details of who manufactured it, but I’ve only been able to locate a handful of Pinterest photos of similar machines, with no additional leads. I did learn that this model apparently has an 8-track tape player buried deep inside its inner workings which is supposed to play ‘Old MacDonald’. I won’t know until I actually crack it open whether the player and/or speaker are busted or if the tape has simply disintegrated with age. If it merely needs a replacement tape... I’m trying to think of the most disturbing thing I can put in there. I’m pretty sure I have a copy of Leonard Nimoy’s Outer Space/Inner Mind around here somewhere.

UPDATE: The lockpick set I ordered last night arrived at my doorstep around 8PM, delivered by a shadowy figure in a mom van. Clearly a sign of divine intercession. Truly, no mortal could provide shipping so fast! After a few minutes tinkering with the see-through practice lock they provided, I set myself to my task while watching Netflix and eating pizza which had gotten a bit cold due to all the excitement of receiving my order a full 24 hours ahead of the estimated ship date. And lo, almost without trying, I totally picked the first of the three locks in under 5 minutes like a boss!


99Telepod was right though... having broken the first of the great seals I was immediately confronted by a strange and terrifying message from beyond:

I can only imagine the terrible fate that would befall any man who listened to this tape the wrong way round. Perhaps mercifully so, the tape itself is badly damaged and composed of only a single short looped reel that I assume contained some clucking sounds. I have no idea how to repair it.

Strangely, whatever previous attendants to the great chicken god decided to leave behind this sinister warning also saw fit to remove the sacred cassette player through which his unholy message was to be delivered to us. I can clearly see the mounting bracket where it is supposed to go, and the funky old stereo plug that presumably connects up to the speaker up top. This is merely a setback though. He Who Shall Be Plucked will not be silenced so easily! I have an old cassette recorder somewhere out in the garage.

The remaining two locks continue to vex me, but I can hear him clucking... Urging me to break the second seal. This was the chamber that contained the chicken’s untold riches, and I have already received his blessing... a whopping 50¢ more than I put into the machine!

Update to the Update: And no sooner was it written, than the 2nd and 3rd lock were also picked, like it ain’t no thang. And together, we gazed upon the inner workings of the beast, and it was good:

And as we uttered the mantra “Holy fuck!” the mighty chicken god clucked from his grassy pedastal and said “Thou has giveth me thine 25¢, let me bestow upon you mine bounty of tiny choo choo trains, monster rings, weird animal head castanets, doll furniture, funky 70's medallions, and a patriotic bit of ribbon with a straight pin stuck through the middle. Go forth and injure thyself in my name!”