While a lot of us thought Force Awakens was a great movie and a huge improvement over the prequels, I think we all have to admit that there are some things that could use a bit of explaining.

I’m here to help.

No you’re not! You’re just going to go on about your silly theories again.

You again? I haven’t heard from you since … umm …

Since I made your article about the Thor’s penis better?

That’s not what it was about...technically. And I was doing fine.

As if!

Besides, you’re stuck with me now, and I’m imaginary. Says a lot about you doesn’t it?

Shut up.

Lose your train of thought already?

What? Oh! Star Wars. Right.

Let’s start with Rey…since she’s in the title and such. One thing that raised an eyebrow with even the most diehard fans is how quickly she gained her force powers once she figured out she had them. No years of training for this girl, she’s practically a force savant…but how did that happen?

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To figure out Rey’s origins, you have to go back to a movie most of us would rather forget.

Darth Plagueis was vastly superior to Palpatine in the ways of the force, and could even manipulate the Midichlorians themselves, and presumably did so to create Annikin. Palpatine said he killed him in his sleep, but what if Plagueis wasn’t so easily destroyed?

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What if he was merely horribly wounded and while his body his scarred his mind is still just as powerful as it was and the force is just as strong in him?

They’re not going to introduce a guy that those two dorks talked about. We HATE them.

They already have.

What?

Here’s one of many images of Plagueis out there. Scar him up and have him die once and of all the people in Force Awakens, who does he most resemble?

Holy shit! Snoke! You’re saying he’s Snoke?

Who else would be hiding behind the scenes ready to come out after Palpatine dies? And that’s not the only parallel, there’s the emphasis on being ‘the wise’ and also the very music that’s played during his appearance.

He’s just been waiting for a new body.

A new what?

A body, his is kind of screwed up right now. But there’s another player in the game we need to remember to appreciate that. I know we all hated the Midichlorians, but it’s important to realize that they are the real threat and the reason why their galaxy has already been destroyed a long time ago and far, far away.

Great. The Force Bugs. The guys that ruined the Force for me. Thanks for keeping me from forgetting about them.

Hey, I dug the whole ‘mystical force’ bit too, but there’s a deeper reality behind those guys. They’re a plague, and the Jedi and Sith are their carriers.

Okay, that’s just wrong.

Wrong? Or right? They don’t make the movies worse…they make them BETTER.

Anyway, I went into this in detail in Secrets of Star Wars and the End of Everything. You might need to reference it during this, but I’ll hit on the high points as they come up.

So anyway. Snoke needs a new body, and it needs to be able to contain all his power, which, in Jedi/Sith parlance, means lots of ‘force bugs’.

What happens if Luke gets somebody pregnant and Plagueis gets ahold of her? And does something a bit like what he did when he created Annikin, but instead makes the little Jedi-fetus more susceptible to Midichlorian infections?

Somebody super-powerful who can kick anybody’s…oh. Rey. You get Rey. I’m assuming he couldn’t make her a boy?

Maybe he wants to try a shot as a girl, who knows? It’s not like it’s the first time anybody’s had that particular idea, is it? Hmmm?

Hey now! Just because I…wait a sec, I’m you. Ha! You want to be a girl!

I was talking about the extremely common trope. Shut up. Again.

So anyway…now that that’s done with, any more questions?

Yeah! Who’s BB-8, where’d he come from?

Have you noticed that the sphere is quite a bit larger than a person’s head?

Yes.

And that Jar-Jar was missing since the end of Episode III?

No. Just…no.

Yes. Very yes.

I won’t re-explain it, that’s back in the ‘End of Everything’ article. But that’s Jar-Jar, continuing his mission to exterminate the Jedi by getting them to fight one another.

You’re weird.

I’m right, or at least better than right. Next question?

What happened to Kylo Ren? Why’d he turn all evil.

Well, Han wasn’t exactly the best parent. Every time Ben/Kylo would say ‘I love you, Daddy!’ he’d say ‘I know’

And from there it just went downhill.

Next?

Finn and Poe… bros for life?

And the first LGBT couple in the Star Wars movies. You didn’t catch their high school moment?

That was just a nudge!

Yeah, sorry. I’m having a hard time finding good images right now, but what is the meaning behind Poe giving Finn his jacket?

You’re not saying that’s like the high school thing, are you?

I’m just saying that if Poe and Finn aren’t racing up the Slash Fic story list they will be soon.

Yeah, not taking that bet. The internet is weird.

Says the voice in my head.

Shut up.

How about we bury the hatchet and re-watch the intro together!

Okay!

I hate you


Credit where it’s due on the scroller!

Crossposted from Medium.com.

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