Hello, fellow miscreants. I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately; got myself into a bit of trouble recently and it took fucking forever to orchestrate the jailbreak. I hear sirens in the background, so I can’t be long.

So not too long ago I was in NYC visiting a dear friend of mine. No visit to NYC is complete without making a pilgrimage to the Observation Deck at the top of 30 Rock, since, you know, it’s our HQ and all. You’d think that being former owner, moderator in absentia et al., the security guards would have recognized me on the spot, but for some reason there was this whole “Sir we need to see your ticket”, and “What the hell is an io9" thing going on. I swear, just because GMG is bankrupt doesn’t mean some standard ought to be kept. Gods. My friend kept saying something about “You can’t just scream “BANT” at people on the street, crashed.” I mean, what the fuck, you know?

Anyway, so there we are at the top of 30 Rock, when I remembered that there’s this secret security elevator that leads to the heart and soul of the ODeck. Think of it as the heart of the TARDIS, with shoddier plumbing and a lot more snark. It’s located inside this room that reacts to your movements with lights and pulsating garbage EDM, which I distinctly do not remember installing. There was yet another security guard in front of the elevator, so I kindly asked her to move aside and let management through. (My friend keeps claiming that I bumrushed the podium. I think I would remember that, thank you very much).

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The funny thing about security guards is that they don’t have much of a sense of humor. At some point she pressed a button and summoned thirty of her friends, who gave us a warm welcome. Getting your ass pounded into the linoleum to constantly dropping beats/flashing lasers really lets you know how much people love you.

And that’s how I got banned from the ODeck.

I was a bit miffed by the whole ordeal, but I figured, there must be some way to salvage the day. The Natural History Museum wasn’t too far away, so I made my way there...

Dinosaurs! Dinosaurs and whales and bears and all sorts of fossils! The prehistoric stuff was awesome. Naturally when you have so many dinosaurs, you have just, a metric fuckton of families with small children gawping at them. So, instead of fighting those crowds, we tried to make our way to the Oceanic Wing, which is located one floor below.

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You know that feeling when, sometimes when you want to get somewhere, and there’s this tourist who just has to get that perfect shot of her twin angels in front of the railing, and they’re squirming so she can’t get that shot, so she keeps retaking it, and you’re trying to politely tell them to move, but it’s really, really hard to talk through gritted teeth, and then whoops lol her phone was facing the wrong direction so it was a ~selfie~ instead, and you just want to look at some goddamn whale skeletons, and next thing you know phone parts are flying everywhere and over the railing, and somehow you’ve made it downstairs and you don’t know how, then you look down and oh look, you took a tourist surfboard down two flights of stairs, haha, and for some reason there are legions of really, really irate museum security guards, and you’re telling them, huh, weird, none of you look like Ben Stiller, then you’re running, running, and there are a bunch of children lying on the goddamn floor so you make that monster truck rally jump over four children only there are five, so sorry, so, so sorry.

And that’s how I got kicked out of the American Museum of Natural History.

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At least there was a cool TARDIS car in Brooklyn, so the whole trip wasn’t a complete bust.