Monday and Tuesday are newsworthy days for Gawker Media as they see the end of Gawker Media owning itself. Gawker Media saw fit to commemorate the event by looking deep inside itself. I will now judge them on their efforts.


Lifehacker

Lifehacker is a website that tries to give you ideas on how to better lead your life. It’s a good source of information about how to maybe not throw all your money away on useless things, like throwing it into a blender.

Their subblog Vitals found a way to fall off a chair.

Their subblog twocents told you that you shouldn’t worry about your credit score unless it is literally actually bad (and that’s true, trust me, I’m a jackalope. Money is an illusion.) Their subblog Skillet didn’t really have any special Gawker Media week content sorry.

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Their main site reached out to a Twitter feed making fun of them and got a super good post of it. They posted about Futurama which is always a winning idea. AND they posted a truth which is that burritos are the perfect food.

Summary: Why are we not all commenting on Lifehacker this place is great because they like good tv shows and good food and they mention their user community I feel like I messed up in life by not hanging out with them more.

Score: 9.5/10 gifs of Dr. Zoidberg.


Deadspin

Deadspin is a website about sport do you like sport well then you’re gonna love Deadspin question mark?

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Their subblog Adequate Man put together an article about how death is a good thing which countered a Dvorsky article and I 100% love it when people counter Dvorsky articles so I might just give them a high score because of this. And it included an article about how sometimes you lose out on employment opportunities because you write unnecessarily mean articles about private individuals how interesting. But then they threw away several points by having this article about boffing your coworkers (and, yes, the correct answer is One. One. Unless that one leaves the company forever in which case you get another One.) which included a crudely drawn dog penis so I don’t know what’s up with the dog dicks Deadspin I did not ask for that because I know how to find pictures of dog dicks thank you very much.

The Concourse is the strongest subblog of Deadspin (because they write about science fiction and fantasy, topics which have no blog on the rest of Gawker Media) but that subblog’s senior week submission was just about music I don’t know why the ball was dropped so hard here <- that’s a sport reference! Fittish had an article about people working out I guess that’s a sport or something.

The main page was all over the place. They asked their former staff for comments and they led that article with a picture of a pig with feces on its own scrotum. Amazing. No I’m not linking that okay fine here you go sickos. But then there was this piece of short microstories based on Twitter suggestions for stories and that’s much better because it doesn’t have a stupid picture on top. And there’s an article about some headlines they didn’t cover because they’re too mean how weird. And they gave the audience more views into the brain of Ashley Feinberg because it’s a good brain to view into.

Summary: An odd mix of really well written articles and repulsive images that aren’t safe for work. It’s a website that wants to draw you in with its words while pushing you away with its thoughts. Also for a sport webzone they didn’t do much Senior Week commentary about sport?

Score: 6.5/10 pictures of poop and drawings of ding-a-lings


Gawker

Gawker is a website which has weird shifting ethical boundaries but when its hostile articles aren’t bringing down all of Gawker Media in an incredible implosion it attempts to be a smart, fiercely opinionated sort-of-tabloid? That also sort of covers politics but not as well as Jezebel’s The Slot does? It’s a weird blog because it’s supposed to be the flagship but it isn’t really treated as such.

So first things first let’s talk about the Cuck. Everything about the Cuck is golden and if I was just giving out scores based on the Cuck then Gawker won Senior Week hard and rigidly. But then none of the other Gawker Media subblogs wanted to write anything for senior week. Dog is a treasure but it’s not labeled as a Senior Week article so I can’t use it in my scoring.

But then on the main site. Well. First off they wrote the best clickbait headline of all time because you thought they were going to be honest about their incredibly unnecessarily hostile articles but ha joke’s on you! And there was an article which talked about how comments are often stupid, that was a really smart article. But then on the good side there was some good content. They made fun of people for Replying All to a thread which is a real and proper thing to make fun of. And they made fun of New York Daily News for really, really, really over-using a picture of Shaun King. Hamilton Nolan (who I seriously enjoy as a writer. Seriously. Not fooling) reminded us that he used to run a Science column inside Gawker (I had forgotten, I was annoyed at the time because science was being covered by another blog). Although I disagree with him about having a menu with food pictures because when I order food at a restaurant and neither of us speaks the same language those pictures are important. Also have I ever mentioned that I’ve been to a mall where “public dogs” were a thing? There was a pet store in the mall and you could borrow the dogs for a while it was amazing I once borrowed a dog for like 80 years they seemed really confused when I brought the dog back and it had evolved into a hyperdog.

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Summary: Real men don’t summarize things. They read every word of every article they’re sent, and they laugh disparagingly at people who say “tl;dr”. Too long, didn’t read? More like “too lame, can’t read.” Man up and read.

Score 1: Scores are for cucks. Real men don’t give out scores they just take what they want in life and you don’t see them making apologies for it.

Score 2: 8 out of 10 doge.


Jezebel

Hey ladies are you sick and tired of websites where the comments sections are full of people being jerks to women well congrats on Jezebel you will find those exact same people, but in response those jerks are being called more creative insults than what you find on other websites.

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Jezebel took the strong lead of the Cuck and also made its own Senior Week subblog, Titanic. Which is apparently about some movie that released 19 years ago? I dunno I never watched the movie. But it seems like a fun subblog about a ship.

Pictorial weighed in with their history lesson about Queen Victoria. The Slot, which is Gawker Media’s best politics coverage, had no Senior Week posts, because it is attempting to the serious politics blog that Gawker is incapable of being.

I strongly approve of the best adulting advice from Madeleine Davies. Perfect adulting advice. No spellcheck I don’t mean adulating I mean adulting that is a word now get with the times. There was a great post about sponsored content. There was an article about Supernatural which is apparently a tv show? There was the Jezebel Olympics which was okay. And they even talked about the male allies and the male employee of Jezebel. Finally Jezebel bothered to acknowledge that men are real, not just troll personalities used by hostile commenters.

Summary: Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on.

Score: 9 out of 10 Celine Dions.


Kotaku

Kotaku is a website about video games, and movies (sometimes), comic books (sometimes), and board games (sometimes), and snack food, and occasional glimpses into East Asia.

Kotaku has subblogs but none of them had any senior week content. :-/

Kotaku didn’t spend much time making articles for Senior Week? They had an article making fun of the state of ethics in games journalism in 14 years from now. They had an article explaining some dank Shrek memes you may have heard about. They put up some review scores of games. They talked about things they used to write about but no longer do. They had a staff Q&A wherein the staff … took questions from the commenters … and they answered them, it’s a very novel idea.

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Summary: I’m intrigued by this concept of a website which encourages the staff to interact with the commenters? Fascinating.

Score: quality-wise I give em a 9 but quantity-wise I give em a 3. Both of those scores are out of charizards. 9 charizards and 3 charizards, which averages out to 7 pikachu unless you get the downloadable content in which case it averages out to 7.09 pikachu.


Jalopnik

Jalopnik is a website about vehicles. Mostly vehicles of the four-wheeled variety but also vehicles of a two-wheeled variety and also “the entire US military” which I guess is just an organization dedicated to moving vehicles on top of and inside of other vehicles.

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Black Flag wrote up something about racing rental cars. Truck Yeah wrote up something which they didn’t mark as Senior Week but which I will because it made this haunting gif

On Jalopnik proper there’s video of someone drinking “washer fluid” but it’s not actually washer fluid so don’t worry they’re not dead. There was a Top 10 list of Top 10 lists. There was an article about how the Mazda Miata is terrible. There was an oddly-short article about a Jaguar F-Type being egged. There was an article making fun of Reddit users making fun of Jalopnik. I liked this article about an article that was never allowed to happen which never revealed what the unknown article was?

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Summary: Are the rims big? Do it ride good? I don’t know how to summarize this content I don’t own a vehicle sorry.

Score: V-8??!?! Am I doing this right I am reading this user’s manual and it doesn’t explain how I make car go


Gizmodo

Gizmodo is a website which wants to be your one-stop Internet shop for news about consumer electronics, science, videos that maybe explain things, and geek culture reviews and previews.

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Sploid, as the fauxBuzzfeed of Gawker Media, has the difficult job of trying to communicate with humans through videos instead of written language. They posted this video which I guess is their attempt to communicate some kind of message? At the end of the day we’re all just mechanical beasts moving around skulls.

But Casey Chan wanted to remind us all in these crazy times that there is something really soothing about watching a video online.

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The staff at io9 wanted to both show you their collectibles and not show you their collectibles but instead show pictures of what the collectibles look like as JPEGs. And explain why True Crime used to be part of io9. And tell Batman he’s bad at The Sex. And they wanted to break all of your hearts by asking five former employees what they enjoyed about the site.

Gizmodo did that three days earlier by getting input from 28 former employees. Gizmodo also wanted to remind you that if you eat dental appliances you can save money by extracting them from your feces. And it wanted to remind you that their futurism expert thinks big thoughts and that some of their writers like spaaaaaaaaaaaaaace. And that the boundaries between good and bad scientific outreach are difficult to find. Gizmodo half-heartedly tried to figure out who is running their parody Twitter account. And they shared their experience of trying to return an expensive machine they broke. Also someone had sex at Gizmodo!!??!?!?!?

Summary: Two thirds of Gizmodo communicates in words and they do an alright job with those words, I think they did good with Senior Week. The one third of Gizmodo that uses video let me see if I can find the right video to summarize their position.

Score: For most of it, 7 sploids out of 10 possible sploids. But the Gizmodo “best posts of all time so far” article is 10 out of 10 gizmos. It’s a really good piece which got input from different phases of Gizmodo and really gave lots of insight into what the place has been like over the years.


Final rankings

1 Lifehacker, 9.5

2 Jezebel 9

3 TIED Gawker and Jalopnik 8

5 Gizmodo 7.33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

6 Kotaku 7

7 Deadspin 6.5

I declare Lifehacker to have won senior week 2016, a strong silver medal showing by Jezebel, and Gawklopnik to be both awarded a bronze medal somehow.

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Is there any Senior Week content you loved (or loved to hate!) that I didn’t mention? Do you think I mis-scored any of these categories? Let me know in the comments.