ST:D SPACE TARDIGRADE is pushing the limits of technobabble, pseudoscience, and my ability to suspend disbelief.

SPOILERS

Yes, the Klingons are awful. Yes, the Vulcan Hello made no sense. Sure, Michael’s decision to murder T’Kuvra was irrational for a Vulcan-trained Starfleet officer.

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I could even get over Captain Lorca’s warmongering and the annoying roommate Tilly. But the second episode was ok, so I was all in... until last night. The Butcher’s Blade Cares not for the Lamb’s Cry just descended into such dumbfuckery that I can’t even. I just can’t even.

The plot starts out with a rescue mission. Little Klingon ships are bombing an important dilithium mine and the Discovery is the only ship that can jump in and out to save it. After Lorcan confidently promises the Admiral they can do it, it’s obvious that they can’t... But Lorcan reckelssly tries anyway. They almost jump into a star instead. Oh, and the 2 outer rings of the Discovery rotate when they do jump, which I guess is supposed to be a neat visual. 

What’s the answer? The Space Tardigrade. Turns out that’s what the Glen was using to navigate the spore network (ahem) and then it broke out, disrupting whatever jump they were in, and twisting everyone to hell.

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So, after some learning, hypothesizing, and experimenting, they plug the Space Tardigrade up to the Spore Drive. Just writing this makes my brain hurt. And when they do, guess what? The Space Tardigrade knows where are all the stars are, you guys. It’s a fucking tardigrade but it knows where all the stars are.

This is just beyond dumb. After the successful jump, Lorcan doesn’t fire any weapons but just lets the Discovery get beat all to hell and then “sends a message” to the Klingons by spore-jumping back out and leaving some heavy explosives behind. Who was he sending a message to? The Klingons he blew up? They are blown up. They won’t be sending or receiving any messages.

The amount of absurd questions this raises only adds to the ridiculousness of a “myocellial network,” which was dubious even in a world of hand-wavey plot fixes and theoretical bullshit. Though leading to some neat visuals, this plot device is clearly not very well thought through. Not to mention the fact that it must result in a failure so bad that no one ever attempts it for the next 200 years since it never shows up in the future.

The immense amount of good faith I approached this show with is quickly fading. Even Captain Georghau’s brief appearance at the end wasn’t enough to end on a bright note. This was bad. Like, VOY “Threshold” bad.