Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks
Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks
Illustration for article titled 1-Star Movie Reviews- The Goonies

In 1985, Warner Brothers released a film directed by Richard Donner, from a screenplay written by Christopher Columbus, based off a story by Steven Spielberg, featuring a soundtrack by Cyndi Lauper. This film was The Goonies and it could be argued that it represented everything about the 1980's. The Goonies, collectively made up of Mikey (the asthmatic), Data (the Asian gadget nerd), Mouth (the foul mouth), and Chunk (the fat kid), are in a typical 1980's pickle. Rich people want to tear down their neighborhood to expand their country club. In typical 1980's fashion, this rag tag group isn't just going to step aside and allow this. Instead they embark on a quest to find the pirate One-Eyed Willie's lost treasure in order to save their homes. Joined by Mikey's brother Brand, his love interest Andy and her sassy friend Stef, they must solve puzzles, navigate pirate traps and avoid the murderous Fratelli gang on their way to victory because Goonies never say die.

This is another one of my favorite movies. I quote it and will watch it whenever it comes on television. I even own it on DVD. Hell, just thinking about The Goonies makes a Cyndi Lauper song play in my head. Is it a dumb '80s movie? Definitely. Is it a 1-star movie? No way. Some don't agree though. On to the reviews:

On Amazon.com, The Goonies has an overall rating of 4.5 stars. There are 1498 total reviews and 40 1-Star reviews for The Goonies, which is a lower number than I would have guessed. Of these 40, 25 of them are negative reviews on the film itself.


what the reviews DID NOT TELL ME

I ordered this movie because I am looking for movies for my kids that are more mature than the Disney cartoons but still wholesome. I read the reviews for this movie and it semed like a winner. Within the first 5 minutes of the movie there was foul language by the KIDS in the movie, reference to drugs, and a small stutue of a naked man with an erection. I turned it off VERY ANGRY that I had wasted my money on this garbage. This is supposed to be a kid movie — there is no way I would let my 7 year old watch it. Wish there was less than 1 star to rate it.

This review sums up what a lot of the negative review were about. There is bad language, there are sexual references and violence. The Goonies was rated PG in 1985. The definition of PG in 1985 was Parental Guidance Strongly Suggested – Most Material May Not be Suitable for Children. The word MOST really tells what you need to know about your 7 year old watching this. Let's bunch a few of these together that talk about naughty this movie is.

"Opening scene of a prison cell with a convict who has been hung beside his bunk. R U kidding me?! This is not a kids' movie. No wonder I remember hating it as a kid."


If you hated it as a kid, why did you watch it again?

"Awful lot of cursing for a movie for 'family' and especially the children! It should be rated PG-13 or even R. I was very diassapointed!"


Why won't anyone think of the children?

"I thought I remembered laughing, crying & being a little scared when I first saw it at about 6. So, I thought my kids, being 8 & 9, would be the perfect age. Wrong! I can't believe the bad language & sexual comments (how do you explain to your 8 year old daughter what 'i'm gunna bang her' means?). "


As the father of a 7-year old girl, I can answer that question for you. You don't.

"Supposed to be for kids, but movie starts out with a male statue with too much focus on the statues penis. Gratuitous." No reason for this kind of stuff to be in a kids movie. Also the pirate named "one eyed Willie," wow if we didn't know what that joke was about. "


Rated R for gratuitous male statue nudity and thirty year old penis nicknames.

"We didn't even get 15 min into the movie and the amount of "OMG" and "S***" had us turning it off. Too bad that "PG" doesn't necessarily mean appropriate for kids."


You're right about PG. I think I covered what it means further up.

"Couldn't watch it with my kids, they said it's too mean. The language is not appropriate for a 13 year old. We turned it off after the first 5 minutes."


The first 5 minutes of The Goonies is the fantastic prison break-out/car chase opening credits scene. The words "schmuck","shit" and "hell" are used in this first 5 minutes. I would bet a 13 year old hears or says worse than this at school, but maybe you raise your kids differently.

"The movie so was crude that the kids asked to stop watching it just 15 minutes into the movie. Bad movie."


Do you think these kids are friends with the kids in the prior review? I bet they are.

"better for audiences age 7-10. Agonizing for any adult to sit through. Be prepared to groan and roll your eyes a lot, maybe bring a barf bag too!"


Wait a minute! I thought this movie wasn't appropriate for kids. Now I'm confused.

And finally, the angriest review of The Goonies. Allow me to present "a crappy movie".


How can anyone stand this drivel? I do not get the cult love for this horrible excuse for entertainment.

I would rank this as the worst movie I have ever been subjected to recurring snippets of and quotes from. Once through of this would be worse than watching "walk tall" 8 times in a row. Worse even than watching the home shopping network for 24 hrs with your eyes forced open and unable to turn your head away, while being force fed a blended mixture of spam, Strawberry Torani Syrup and Wintergreen tic-tacs. Blech. If only I could forget every part of this movie, my life would be slightly improved.

My rebuttal? The TRUFFLE SHUFFLE.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter