Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks
Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks

So. Having just gotten off the phone with a lady friend of mine, following another harrowing experience, I submit the following questionnaire for use with any guy that offers to spend any amount of time with a woman alone. I'd love it if this weren't necessary, but this is the world we live in. Yes, this is entirely serious.

#1. You understand that No Means No, right? Y/N

#2. No, seriously. No Means No. Not 'try again, I'm playing hard to get.' Y/N

#3. You understand that walking me to my car (to, ostensibly, prevent an attack from some stranger) doesn't entitle you to sexual favors? Y/N

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#4. No, seriously. Zip up your pants. Y/N

#5. You understand that I'm not 'asking for it' unless I'm explicitly, verbally, literally inviting you to have sex. Y/N

#6. You understand that insisting on paying for dinner doesn't automatically mean you're getting laid. Y/N

#7. You understand that I am a person, fully capable of making up my own mind, changing my mind, and deciding for myself whether or not I want to have sex. Y/N

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#8. You understand that if you do anything with or to me that I don't want to do, you can expect duly appointed police officers to make proper inquiries. Y/N

#9. No, seriously. Y/N

#10. You understand that this isn't a witch hunt, but I'm understandably cautious because guys I've known for over a year just suddenly decided to unzip because they decided they've "earned it". This isn't personal. This is just caution. You get that, right? Y/N

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Great. If the answer to all of the above was Yes, congratulations! You qualify as a human being! We may in fact hit it off, and enjoy spending time together. I apologize if the questionnaire seems harsh, but it has proven, sadly, entirely necessary. Please proceed with asking me out. I retain the right to say no. Or yes. Always.

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Print it, copy it, tweet it, share it. Just spread the word. This is important.

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