Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks

A Tribute to the Delightfully Trashy Shows of my Youth

Picture it: You're sick home from school. You watched the morning cartoons like 'The Care Bears' and 'Inspector Gadget.' 'Price is Right' has finished and you don't really watch soaps. But at around 3 pm, something... new comes on. What is this show called Sinbad?

We are going on a trip down memory lane, people. Now keep in mind, I haven't seen these shows in 15 years. But that won't stop me from talking like I watched them yesterday!



Oh Hercules. Remember Hercules? It was amazing. I loved Greek myths as a child and this was just what Hippocrates ordered. Kevin Sorbo! Remember Kevin Sorbo? And Kevin Sorbo's pectoral muscles? Remember when he was Ryan's Dad on the OC? And how he totally banged Marissa's mom? And his sidekick! Wait. He didn't bang his sidekick. But I'm pretty sure there are many, many fanfics where that did happen. What was his name? Um... I-something? Iolas? I'm going with Iolas. Remember how it went in a strange direction with that God-kid at the end? Most importantly, remember how it gave us Bruce Campbell and Xena?


Xena was the golden ticket. She was evil on Hercules. Wait, what did she do? RIGHT, she seduced Iolas! But Hercules saw right through her feminine wiles! But she decided to become good and thus Lucy Lawless became the bestest ever. OH MY GOD I JUST REMEMBERED HER MAGICAL FRISBEE.


And then she picked up her Life Partner Gabrielle? And Ares kept hitting on Xena? And Aphrodite kept showing up for some reason? And that black haired demi-goddess, Dischord? I think her name was Dischord. And then Xena had a baby? Holy crap Xena had a baby! Her name was Eve! But then she and Gabrielle got frozen for 20 years and they came back to a full-grown Eve and she changed her name to Lydia? And then there those characters who looked like Gabrielle and Jockser but weren't Gabrielle and Jockser? Jockser!! And Gabrielle got like, three makeovers? And she learned how to fight with these small dagger things instead of that stick?

WAIT. Remember that episode where the actors of Hercules and Xena came together for some sort of retreat and Lucy Lawless was in the corner chain smoking and Gabrielle was a hippie and Iolas was a flake? And then Ares AS Ares showed up being angry people weren't worshiping him anymore! What I'm saying is this show was amazing and I need to watch it again.



There are few things I remember from this series:

- There was a lady who was part of their group who was (a) magical and (b) had a falcon. Thus TV Tropes was born.


- At one point Sinbad got a makeover and went from this:


to this:


and my pre-pubescant heart grew three sizes that day.

- Obviously there was an episode where newly-hottifed Sinbad had to seduce a witch. This is a surprisingly common storyline in these shows. Not that I'm complaining.


- This somehow only lasted two seasons.


More like YOUNG HOT GOSLING, amirite?

Seriously, this and Breaker High (OMG BREAKER HIGH) introduced us to Ryan Gosling. I wish I remember more about this other than he had adventures with young Jason (of Jason and the Argonauts fame) and he looked pretty good in a vest. See?


And that concludes Young Hercules.


Bruce Campbell’s impeccable jawline and a blonde lady starred in this. As you might predict, the only episode I really remember is when they got hit with an aphrodisiac and they were trying to not have sex with each other. Wait. How old was I when I was watching this? Apparently it was during my formative years, that’s for sure!



This one might be my favourite. So, if I recall correctly, Lady comes back to her frontier town after the death of her father. Town is full of corruption, including the wicked hot corrupt sheriff. He is Catwoman to her Batman, because Lady puts on a mask to become the Queen of Swords to avenge wrongs! IT IS EXACTLY AS AWESOME AS YOU THINK IT IS. No one knows her secret identity except for Alfred – I mean, her lady servant. Lady flirts with the Doctor when in Lady-mode. There is a blonde rich lady that flirts with the corrupt Sheriff. SO MANY BODICES. And bosoms! Don’t forget bosoms.


I believe this picture perfectly encapsulates what this show was all about. For some reason it didn't last forever and ever and now I am sad.


Shows that ‘Are Probably Very, Very Bad but I Refuse to Think About Them Because I Would Prefer to Keep the Memory Perfect’: Knight Rider, Baywatch, VIP, Breaker High.

Shows that ‘I Know Existed and Possibly Watched But I Can’t Fully Remember’ : Briscoe County Jr, Cleopatra 2525, Lexx.


What horribly low-budget shows were part of your childhood?

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