Come with me on a journey. There will be pirates.

I didn't read that many this week. The ones I read last week were about 500 iPhone pages, which I assume translates to about 35 real-world pages. Those were easy. This week I was reading dead-tree books. Plus there were children about, asking nosy questions.

So this week, completely by accident, I read two books that featured pirates pretty heavily. Pirates are awesome, therefore the books should be awesome, too, right? THE TRANSITIVE PROPERTY IS FULL OF LIES. Only one was truly enjoyable. I'll let you guess which one I enjoyed more after I describe them.

THE PIRATE BRIDE

Official Synopsis:

Those who survive the wrath of Red Robert would never guess the pirate's secret—Red Robert is a woman, masquerading as a man. Yet though the swift steel of her sword has spread her reputation to the farthest corners of the map, there is only one treasure she seeks—the blood of her lifelong nemesis...Blair Colm.

Advertisement

Shipwrecked on a desert isle with the handsome Logan Hagarty, she soon rediscovers her femininity in the irresistible captain's arms. But their paradise skies darken with the appearance of their common enemy. Now the two must summon all their strength and cunning to best the evil Colm, and protect the fierce love that has grown between them.

My Official Stance: Sigh. I had such high hopes for this one. Pirates! Lady Pirate ruling the seas whilst masquerading as a boy pirate! Marooned on island with an attractive man! Revenge!

All poop.

So Robert Red/Roberta is terrorizing the seas looking for Blair Colm, who murdered her village and family and blah blah blah. Captain Haggarty is a Scottish Laird (OMG the amount of times they pointed out he was a Laird and not a Lord was boring) who took the seas to raise enough money to marry the lovely and proper Lady Cassandra ("...and her name was Cassandra." I half a book to get some goddamn action. And it wasn't worth it. Telling me they 'totally did it, like, six times that night' is not effective. Whatever, three days later Colm finds them after taking lady Cassandra and her papa captive and then I gave up reading. I assume they defeat Colm, Logan and Cassandra come to an understanding that they don't love each other (despite it being proper and I read that word so many times in that book it lost all meaning) and Roberta and Logan realize their love for each other was REAL LOVE and not deserted island lust or whatever and live happily ever after in Boston or something.

Advertisement

THE UGLY DUCHESS

Official Synopsis: How can she dare to imagine he loves her…when all London calls her The Ugly Duchess?Theodora Saxby is the last woman anyone expects the gorgeous James Ryburn, heir to the Duchy of Ashbrook, to marry. But after a romantic proposal before the prince himself, even practical Theo finds herself convinced of her soon-to-be duke's passion.

Advertisement

Still, the tabloids give the marriage six months.

Theo would have given it a lifetime…until she discovers that James desired not her heart, and certainly not her countenance, but her dowry. Society was shocked by their wedding; it's scandalized by their separation.

Now James faces the battle of his lifetime, convincing Theo that he loved the duckling who blossomed into the swan.

Advertisement

And Theo will quickly find that for a man with the soul of a pirate, All's Fair in Love—or War.

My Official Stance: This one is funny. So the Duchess is not really 'ugly', she just has very stern features. But she's 'ugly enough.' Anyway, James marries her for the money, but because they had been friends for ages, he did love her, too. So the marriage starts out quite happily (and sexily. Some excellent scenes). Then Theo hears her father-in-law boast how he got his son to marry such an ugly girl for the money. She is obviously distraught and horrified and orders James out of the house. James goes to sea and becomes a pirate! Sorry, 'privateer', there is a difference. I wasn't expecting this plot twist, actually. He spends close to seven years at sea, enough time that Theo has put in a petition for him to be declared 'Dead in Absentia' and his cousin would then become the Duke and Theo can finally marry again. You know where this is going, don't you? James shows up in House of Lords to declare he is alive while they are in the midst of declaring him dead. Except he's all pirate-fied: he shaved his head, got a tattoo, has all the muscles and tan skin and whatnot. Theo is not happy. She's pretty much got a good thing going on without him, her lands are prospering, she's made herself an important figure in the community with her fashion, and has gone completely OCD as a coping mechanism for the fact her husband ran away. She's fine!

So then the rest of the book is James trying to get his wife to fall in love with him again, because he realized he was an idiot and came back from the sea for her. Obviously she does, what kind of romance novel would this be if she didn't? It'd be as if The Notebook ended with Rachel McAdams picking James Marsden. No one picks James Marsden!

Advertisement

Anyway, I also got a book from this author's series on fairy tales that's based on Beauty and the Beast and I'm really looking forward to it.

See you next week!