If you want to take a break from watching the burning wrecks of cars and looting local supermarkets for their men’s only magazines, the Alamo Drafthouse would like to apologize for having their women’s only screening of Wonder Woman and starting the Manpocalypse.
We at the Alamo Drafthouse would like to officially apologize for our role in the end of mankind as we knew it, and the ascendant Gynocracy that followed. We didn’t know our women-only screening of Wonder Woman would result in the overthrow of all world governments and the total subjugation of men, but in hindsight we probably should have seen it coming.
“Why can’t women have one night to enjoy a character that’s meant so much to them over the years?” asked the Shadowy Figure. The woman came into our offices in a cloak as black as the grave, followed by three wild-looking dogs. Her voice had no age, or every age, it was hard to tell. Sometimes it sounded like more than one woman was talking. The Shadowy Figure made good points about Representation Mattering and Safe Spaces as she idly flicked raw flesh to her dogs. Around her swirled plumes of sickly sweet incense from a source unknown, but this is Austin, so we figured she was just keeping it weird. How naive we were.
The Drafthouse representative went on to state how the beginnings of the Manpocalypse formed, during the women’s only screening as the image of Gal Gadot as Diana rose up and slit Steve Trevor’s throat, telling the women in the audience to do the same to the men in their lives.
“Man’s time is over,” she said. “They have done all that they will do, all they are capable of doing.” And then she grabbed Chris Pine by the hair and slit his throat with a big double-edged axe that we’re pretty sure was not in the comics but that’s Hollywood for you.
“This is the labrys,” she told the audience as Chris Pine sputtered and choked on his own blood. “A symbol of woman’s power. It cuts away that which is false. It is a problem and a solution. Look under your seats.”
Each woman pulled a similar double-edged axe from under her seat. We do not know where they came from. We did not put them there. The Alamo Drafthouse did not arm the first Amazon Death Squad. We want to make that perfectly clear.
I know this apology will probably not make up for all the damages done and lives lost — and the cancellation of Last Man Standing, of course — but it’s something.
And for all you women out there: don’t hurt me, I’m an ally! I went to the Women’s March! No, wait, what are you doing with that axe? Get awayyyyy aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh