Physicians, Psychologists, and Playground Bullies have made a startling discovery: being a primo jerk is good for you.

"We ran exhaustive tests on Alpha Males, Tiger Moms, Passive Aggressives, and a whole bunch of twenty-year-olds," reported Dr. Janine Lastname. "The meaner they were to their friends, colleagues, and 'loved ones', the better their heart rates. Chewing out a colleague over an imagined slight is a great way to bring down the ol' blood pressure."

The results are conclusive: Just keep on keepin' on being a real A-Hole.

"There's a whole bunch of little things you can do, every day, to improve your overall health," said Dr. Samuel Fraud. "Cut people off in traffic, deliberately mispronounce people's names, and of course, continue treating women as objects whose sexual favors you can eventually earn."

Likewise, the building blocks of society have been demonstrably proven to increase stress, and shorten your life span. "Common decency, patience, empathy for your common man? Silent killers, the lot of 'em," explained Dr. Dennis Themenace, while sending joke emails informing colleagues they were fired.

Advertisement

If these vetted authorities are to be believed, the directions are clear: Do whatever's necessary to vent your frustrations on completely innocent bystanders. You'll live longer.