I got bored at work (big surprise), but seeing as it is the the season of the brainless action movie, I was wonder what characters people would fill their own epic, over-blown and explosion-strewn flick with.

So, imagine you are writing a big-budget film, its an action film so you don't need a plot (no-one is going to pay any attention to it anyway), all you need is a setting and a few characters for the audience to watch inbetween the explosions, some tracking shots of the scenery (because art, you know) and what happens at the end (when the explosions stop). What can you come up with?

My film is set in a sort of post-apocalypticallyish world which is never explained, but it allows people to go around in their underwear and fetish gear in broad daylight and also blow things up without attracting attention. And you can give people silly names without anyone asking questions. There are trains, I like trains.

The Hero - Boomslang McCaw has the moves of a snake and the dress sense of a parrot, he'd be cool and sly if he could keep his mouth shut. He carries a gun that he loves more than any woman, but less than himself. He believes in doing good and saving people as long as there is a girl involved and he gets the blow stuff up along the way. His flash and bluster keep attention off where we've skimped and saved money elsewhere.


The Love Interest - Felicity Fireheart is a tart with a heart and a big personality with a body to match, just the sort of person to get into a love/hate relationship with McCaw, but we all know how that's going to end up. Her fearlessness gets her into trouble more than once so she needs saving. People say she has spunk and balls, but that's because secretly she is a pre-op trans-sexual.

The Assistant - Amy Withers is small, quiet and mostly withdrawn, but she's the one who gets the stuff done that doesn't actually involve blowing things up. Her long-suffering attitude is portrayed by a raised eyebrow and a tut. She wears an overall with steampunk trappings and is the secret crush of nerds everywhere.


The Villian - Stencil Corvus is an anal-retentive genius who just loves to crow about it, he dresses in a highly improbably manner, commands a army of minions in fetish gear and has a plan to grab power that wouldn't make any sense if you stopped to think about it, but has a great potential for explosions. He's probably much like your boss (minus the fetish gear, depending on your company uniform).

The Vixen - Courtney Strychnine is a femme fatale in the fatalest sense of the phrase, a trained sexsassin and all round badass crazy woman. She dresses only in the tightest of clothes and is in some sort of cleavage war with Felicity.


The Chief Henchman - Edric Muncharsson Biaflorante dresses sensibly and somberly, he wouldn't be caught dead in the bondage gear his underlings seem to prefer. He passes on Corvus's commands with a sarcastic air and spends the entire film deriding his boss in subtle and sardonic fashion.

The Ending - McCaw defeats Corvus and Strychnine with explosions and what should probably pass as a witty one-liner. Having had his fill of sassy, busty women, he suddenly realises that he is in love with Amy but when he turns to tell he he finds she has eloped with Edric and gone off to start a family and award-winning organic cheese business, so he turns to Felicity instead and finds out he is not the straight-up hero sort of guy he thought he was. They live happily ever after because the sequel fails to gather enough cash, but there is talk of a reboot.


At least the explosions were good...