Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks

It is sad indeed that Congressman Jim Traficant has finally been beamed back up to that Congress in the Sky. This was truly a wonderful, great, larger than life man for the ages. I mean sure ... he went to jail for 7 years on corruption charges, but that seems like par for the course under our current lax laws. He was a Star Trek fan ... and that's all I need to know about him.

His signature line in Congress was "Beam Me Up" which very little research has proven to me to be a reference to the original Star Trek show. How can you not love a guy that constantly, optimistically, asked Scotty to get him the hell off this planet? As if this were not enough he also kept watch over all of the dangers our future might entail.


Like Weaponized Bras:

Madam Speaker, it started with the training bra and then it came to the push-up bra, the support bra, the Wonderbra, the super bra. There is even a smart bra. Now, if that is not enough to prop up your curiosity, there is now a new bra. It is called the holster bra, the gun bra. That is right, a brassiere to conceal a hidden handgun. Unbelievable. What is next? A maxi-girdle to conceal a Stinger missile? Beam me up! I advise all men in America against taking women to drive-in movies who may end up getting shot in a passionate embrace.

Or intrusive EPA regulation:

Mr. Speaker, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words. The Declaration of Independence is 1,322 words. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage are 27,000 words. Mr. Speaker, now if that is not enough to stuff your cabbage roll, regulations cost taxpayers $400 billion a year, $4,000 per every family each and every year, year in and year out. Unbelievable. It is so bad, if a dog urinates in a parking lot, the EPA declares it a wetland.


On Trans-anal Tax Surges:

From the womb to the tomb, Madam Speaker, the Internal Rectal Service is one big enema. Think about it: They tax our income, they tax our savings, they tax our sex, they tax our property-sales profits, they even tax our income when we die. Is it any wonder America is taxed off? We happen to be suffering from a disease called Taxes Mortis Americanus. Beam me up!


Here's a fun video of his trial in which he threatens opposing counsel.

Here's a nice video of good ole' Jim upset at an Alderman's filibuster tactics.

He died the only way a hero of his caliber should die ... having a tractor flip over on him in what I can only assume was an homage to Homer Simpson.


There are literally thousands of choice quotes from the late, great Congressman's 17 year career in the House. So ... anyone else have a particular favorite?

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