Florida- A mysterious local man has started his own crusade to determine the direction and tone of the next Star Wars film, even though he may not be sure what a “Wookie” is.
EL34 and Staff
(Editor’s advisory: foul language, idiocy)
In the fantastical world of Star Wars, the fans all have their own ideas of what adventures they’d like their favorite characters to have next, but a local man might have taken things a bit too far.
“I totally dig Star Wars, man, but my favorite was the Star Wars Holiday Special back in ‘78, and, dude, it’s a total buzzkill we never got to visit the Big Foot planet with Hand Solo [sic] again”, said the man. “I mean, why don’t they sing in the movies? Maybe it’s because the last good Kiss album was in ‘78. I dunno. Seems legit” he stated Sunday morning during our semi-clandestine outdoor interview.
The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, went on to say, “Okay man, my ideas are gonna happen, and that’s why right now I gotta stay synonymous [sic]. We’re gonna go back to the Big Foot planet, and have tons of rockin’ tunes- I mean, that Irish dude that played little Oberon Knievel [sic] is a real good singer. HE ROCKS! Except for maybe Jar Jar Brinks [sic], he was the best part of those new movies. I’m thinkin’ we get Paul Stanley to write the songs. Fuck Gene Simmons, man.”
This reporter assumes that the gentleman is referring to critically acclaimed Scottish actor Ewan McGregor from the successful Star Wars prequels, and various members of the geriatric soft-rock band “Kiss”.
When asked why, despite his apparent middle-age and questionable physical and mental health, he waited until now to lobby Disney for a new Star Wars Holiday Special, he was quite candid.
“Look, man. The Great George Lucas lives in a castle way out in freakin’ Cali! I’m in Florida, Disney’s in Florida, and now they own Star Wars and the other Bigfoot movies, so now’s the time to hit the streets and bang on doors. Besides, I’m sick of this goddam War On Christmas. What the hell did Santa ever do to anybody? I mean, damn, I was totally naughty from day one and he always brought me cool shit. When I was a kid, anyways.”
The man wouldn’t give any details about his plan to convince Disney to produce a new Star Wars Holiday Special, and as previously stated, refused to even give his name.
“Look, buddy. Between the Star Wars shit and the Big Foot cover-ups and everything- Disney has power, Kiss has power, NASA has power. I don’t want to rub ‘em wrong, dig? But I know I can get the people in the high towers to hear me out. I have been around, dude.”
I thanked the gentleman, and my final question to him was if he actually knew what a “Wookie” was.
“Oh, Chewbacco [sic]? You shittin’ me? Everybody knows he’s that awesome space Sasquatch. What, are you some kinda dipshit? Fuck this noise. I’m outta here, man”
At this, he stormed away, just after accepting a five-dollar bill from the staff photographer, Lenny.
This reporter tried to contact the man’s neighbors in the nearby mobile home community to find out more about him, but only one gruff individual was willing to speak off the record:
“That wizard’s just a crazy old man”
El34 is a Florida-based investigative journalist, and wishes to credit Lenny for the photo and the five bucks, as well as that girl at the red light on St Rt 441 this morning.
Our sources have received leaked concept/promotional art, allegedly from Disney-owned television channel “Freeform” (formally “ABC Family”).