Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks
Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks
Illustration for article titled GAC: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I'm not inclined to publish a proper review of this movie, because it's late and I just accidentally deleted a very long copy of this review, but I'm frustrated by the fact I did that. I am apparently a dumbass. Therefore, you get this chat transcript review of it. I will be denoted by "E:" without any bolding or anything, because it is impossibly unweildy on tablet Kinja. What my friend says will start with "F:," but I'm probably going to edit his responses heavily (he's a lawyer, and the licensing costs are astronomical). Trust me, he's boring anyway.
A little context: Before recently, F's list of Indiana Jones films, from least to most favorite, went Temple, Kingdom, Crusade, Raiders. Mine was Kingdom, Temple, Raiders, Crusade.
E:I think I just realized that Henry Jones has a higher kill count in Last Crusade than Indy.
F: It's possible. . . .
E: Well, Indy killed individual guys, but Henry killed a truck full of about fifteen with the tank's side sponson . . . .
F: Yeah. Last crusade might be my favorite.
E: Oh, and the castle, but he did that recklessly.
Also, I admit I was wrong.
I re-watched Crystal Skulls today, and, though it has obvious flaws, it's better than Temple.
And, forgive me Ford, for I have sinned, Harrison is perfect as Indy. I wouldn't mind him back again.
Crystal skulls had a lot of obvious flaws, but I think I went into it with a bad attitude and not understanding what they were doing, so I didn't pick up on the good bits.
Like the man said, it's not the years, it's the milage. For still has ever aspect of Indy that matters. He can act the hell out of that role, and, apparently, did a fair share of his own stunts.
That chase through the jungle: Except for the Tarzan bit (see: cons) it's spectacular. Well choreographed and filmed. No complaints. Except for the frigging monkeys.
The setting and the villains: I like the change of pace.
The CGI, and the CGI animals (ants excepted) in particular. They look awful, are distracting, and don't add anything.
The callbacks: as heavy-handed as possible.
The villain: Blanchett is a great actress, so I have no idea where this went wrong. She just bugged the hell out of me.
The end: everything about it. I liked the idea of the crystal skulls, but we've already made Christian and a messed-up form of Hindu beliefs inexplicably true, so why not the crystal skulls, too?
But it was fun, so fuck it. Better than Temple, which was cringes all the way.
F: Told you.
I hated it the first time too, because I wanted another Last Crusade.
But, it grows on you, unlike Temple.
E: Oh, also, Sida ThaBeef: I think I came into it the wrong way, because I already disliked him, but he was pretty good in this film. I don't want him to be the next Indy, but he and Ford worked well together.
F: Yup.
E: True. For me, Temple started out terrifying, then I think part of my moving past putting my fingers over my eyes was accepting it, then I realized "Hey, this is the most racist and sexist thing since 'Custer's Revenge'!"


So there you have it, a poorly organized, written, edited and proofread version of a plea for a second chance. Blame the touchy interface and poor memory of my tablet. Sorry about it, and thanks if you fought your way through it.

EDIT: Also, reading the trivia on IMDB and understanding what they were going for really helped me appreciate it. I recommend it.

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