Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks
Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks

Here's a Bunch of Anti-Love Songs Just in Time for Valentine's Day

Since I spent the last few days recovering from a bout of food poisoning, I’m really not in the mood to listen to any silly love songs or happy songs at all, especially on Valentine’s Day. In fact, here are some anti-love songs, starting with this current ditty from Rachel Bloom and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, “A Fuckton of Cats.”

“When You Are Old and Gray” by Tom Lehrer

Tom Lehrer, of course, provides us with the classic example of an anti-love song, beginning with the lyrics “Since I still appreciate you, let’s find love while we may / Because I know I’ll hate you when you are old and gray.” It just gets better from there.

“Skullcrusher Mountain” by Jonathan Coulton

Any song that’s from the perspective of an evil mad genius who has kidnapped his latest victim is a-okay with me. “You’d see the voices that control me from inside my head / Say I shouldn’t kill you yet.”

“You Don’t Love Me Anymore” by Weird Al

A breakup song. The breakup song, one might say. “You know, I even think it’s kinda cute the way / You poison my coffee just a little each day.”

“You Left Me (But I’m Not Going To Go On About It)” by Bill Bailey

This is a love song Bill Bailey wrote for Adele. Just...just watch it, okay?

“Maybe You Won’t Die Alone” from Galavant

A song telling all the romantically challenged out there just what we want to hear: that maybe we won’t die alone. But we probably will.

“Somebody Kill Me” from The Wedding Singer

If you haven’t seen this movie or even just the one scene what are you waiting for?

“I Would Never (Have Sex With You)” by Garfunkle and Oates

I think this one is pretty self explanatory.

“Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart” by Johnny Cash

While Johnny Cash was better known for his fiery ballads like, well, “Ring of Fire,” this song managed to string together some very, uh, strained metaphors into a hilarious song about a breakup. I mean, where else can you hear someone sing about being ground up in “the garbage disposal of your dreams”?


What anti-love songs do you enjoy listening to on this awful day?

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