Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks

How am I supposed to know its the future if you aren't wearing a hat?

I was watching After Earth last night, and yes its a pretty poor movie, but what struck me most was not the aliens with preposterously silly senses, the daft climate or the missed opportunity to conquer the world with giant eagles (MILD SPOILER: they still refuse to give people lifts to volcanoes), no, it was the complete and utter lack of stupid sci-fi hats.

Now, don't get me wrong, there was plenty of silly futuristic space design, futuristic space chopsticks, futuristic space houses, futuristic space clothes that change colour when you are threatened but don't keep you warm, but aside from some fairly ordinary looking helmets, no-one was wearing a hat.


Maybe they had invented some kind of futuristic space pill that keeps your head warm and your hair from getting out in public, or some other futuristic space reason, but they never explained it in the film.

Now I know many people rant about the preposterousness of many sci-fi films and I agree, stupid futuristic space hats make no sense, but missing them out just makes it seem like the costume department is cutting corners. If we must be post-apocalyptic, please don't make it a chapeau armageddon; if humanity has evolved in strange and new ways, surely their fashion sense has, too; if automation has taken over our daily lives, please let it take over our bizarre millinary, too.


If we must have gritty remakes, please remake the hats (but easy on the grit), hats can have overblown and unnecessary sequels, too. With CGI you can add the hats in the editing suite. So, take up your Fez and walk, wear your Jane-hat with pride, its time to stand to those aliens that wish to eradicate all human headgear.


If I am ever frozen for 1,000 years and then revived into a new and strange Earth, I want my first words to be; "My god, its full of hats!"


[Disclaimer: The author refuses to wear all hats on principle, except for safety reasons. Bad hair is not a safety reason.]

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