Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks

Since I’ve done hypothetical television shows and a hypothetical movie, perhaps it’s time for the inspiration for those two: a hypothetical comic book. And just in time for DC’s “Rebirth” (whatever that is), too! Sure, DC will never hire me to write an actual comic, but I can always make hypothetical comics for them.

So here we are. Back in 1941, the Golden Age Flash was so popular, they spun him off into his own book. But as his anthology book was called Flash Comics, they didn’t want to simply call it The Flash, for fear it would confuse readers. So instead, they called it All-Flash. And since one of the things lost during the New 52 was the wider Flash family, such a title would be perfect to bring it back.


ALL-FLASH volume 2, issue 1:
“Hypervelocity, Part One: Going Nowhere Fast”

We begin with the Flash, Barry Allen, doing what he does best: saving people from a runaway train. We see him move everyone off the train and then absorb the momentum of the train itself, slowing the train until it stops.

The train patrons stand in awe as the Flash makes sure each of them are okay. One of them, however, stands back and becomes invisible, saying,“Test proved positive. Time to initiate Phase One.”

The Flash returns to Central City and we get a full page overhead view of the city as he goes from place to place, doing good deeds. He visits a homeless shelter to make sure they have enough food stocked, he visits several elderly people to make sure they aren’t in need of medical attention, he hands out sandwiches and coffee to the homeless (and then pays for the sandwiches and coffee at Jitters), et cetera. All of this is shown in a maze-like fashion.


He visits Patty Spivot for their lunch date and she says that she knows he wants to be everywhere at once, but he needs to slow down sometimes. Barry says that he’s slowing down right now — until Patty points out that she can tell he just slipped away and back. “Your cup moved an inch.” “You got me,” he says, “there was a cat in a tree.”

Meanwhile, Wally West’s high school class is taking a class trip to the STAR Labs Remote Hypervelocity Test Laboratory. They are only allowed in the front part of the building, but there are cameras inside so they can watch what happens.


Inside the Remote Hypervelocity Test Laboratory, the invisible man from before walks around as if he works there. Nobody notices him as he fiddles with the controls and adds several new programs to the computer.

Something goes wrong with the Hypervelocity Test Chamber, of course. The machine which propels objects to hypervelocity speeds has turned on and won’t shut off. The machine begins spitting out objects — even though it shouldn’t — that could kill people in milliseconds.


Wally calls Barry and tells him what’s happening. Lunch with Patty is cancelled. Barry apologizes, but Patty tells him to go.

As Barry rushes towards STAR Labs, he sees several objects have already escapes the Hypervelocity Test Chamber and are moving so fast as to be invisible to the naked eye. He steals their speed and they drop to the ground.


Inside STAR Labs, things are chaotic. Several scientists inside the Hypervelocity Lab are dead and Wally’s class is being evacuated when the doors lock down.

Barry vibrates inside STAR Labs and begins stealing the speed of all of the hypervelocity objects. The last one — a screw — nearly touches Wally before it loses all its speed and falls to the floor.


Barry vibrates into the Hypervelocity Test Chamber and starts taking out the scientists. The last one, who is still trying to shut down the Test Chamber, is Dr. Tina McGee.

As the Flash vibrates Dr. McGee out of the Test Chamber, he sees one other person (the formerly invisible man) in the room and goes back.


The invisible man has turned himself visible and is standing in the middle of the Test Chamber as it spits out more hypervelocity objects. However, instead of hitting him, they go right through him. “The benefits of 64th century technology,” he says. “Stuff like this is pretty pitiful compared to it, really. But forgive me, I haven’t yet introduced myself.” A top hat materializes on his head and he takes if off and bows. “I like calling myself Abra Kadabra. Cheesy, I know, but I do so love being a magician.”

The Flash is, meanwhile, absorbing the kinetic energy of all of the hypervelocity objects as soon as the machine spits them out, making sure none of them breach the Test Chamber. He goes to shut down the machine, but Abra electrocutes him with his wand. “Come now, isn’t this where you fight the villain? After all, I’ve been saving myself just for you.”


The Flash tries to fight Abra, but his punches don’t hit and he is continually distracted by the hypervelocity objects and stealing their speed. Unknown to him, his body begins to vibrate.

Abra Kadabra pulls out an apple and begins eating it. “This is so boring,” he says. “I expected more from you. Certainly, the other you would have beaten me by now and figured out how to stop this machine. Aren’t you as smart as you?” Abra tosses the apple core into the hypervelocity machine and it spits it out.


The apple flies directly towards the Flash who slows it down...and then realizes that he can just slow down everything in the room, including the machine, which will make it stop. So he does. But then he begins vibrating uncontrollably. “That was a lot of momentum to absorb, dear Flash,” Abra says. “It all has to go somewhere, but you appear to be going nowhere. Let’s help you with that, shall we?” He taps the Flash on the head with his wand. “Abra Kadabra!”

The Flash disappears in a blinding flash (no pun intended) of light. When he opens his eyes, he’s sees:

A giant silver city that looks like it’s made of hyperboloid shapes. And in front of him is another man (red-haired, with freckles) in a Flash costume reaching forward with his hand. “Hey, welcome to Lightning, City of Speedsters. I’m Wally West.”



Share This Story

Get our newsletter