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Hypothetical Studios: Marvel's Nextwave, Agents of H.A.T.E.

So Deadpool has been getting great reviews and making waves due to it’s ultraviolence and humor, with a massive dose of satirical meta-jokes. And it’s time for other studios to do the same thing. You know what that means: Marvel’s Nextwave, Agents of H.A.T.E.

Think about it: it’s the perfect mixture of hilariously over-the-top violence (killing mooks is okay because they are made of broccoli! they have green blood!) and incredibly satirical humor (“In the real world, people do sometimes run out of shotgun shells. Hollywood lies to you constantly.”), often times combining the two (there’s a reason that the slogan of the book is “Healing America by beating people up”).


So here’s the premise:

In the wake of the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D., the US government tried several different initiatives to replace it, eventually going with the cheapest one they could find: the Highest Anti-Terrorist Effort or H.A.T.E. And General Dirk Anger, the leader of H.A.T.E., put together his own Avengers, the Nextwave team, until the Nextwave team realized that H.A.T.E. was actually being funded by the Beyond(C) Corporation which was actually the terrorist cell S.I.L.E.N.T. and went rogue.

Now Nextwave is trying to stop the Beyond(C) Corporation testing Unusual Weapons of Mass Destruction, while running from H.A.T.E. and the insane Dirk Anger. Nextwave: This Is What They Want.


Monica Rambeau (Gina Torres)
A captain in the Navy, she was exposed to a strange alien energy and can now turn her body into any form of energy in the EM spectrum. The de-facto leader, since she has the most experience (and won’t shut up about it).


Elsa Bloodstone (Jenna Coleman)
Recruited from MI-6, Elsa has a long history of fighting monsters (which nobody believes) and shooting lots of guns (which everyone believes). She’s the most trigger happy of the group and can take down a group of mooks with only a shovel.

Aaron Stack (Alan Tudyk)
Found abandoned in a laboratory, Aaron is the most advanced android ever created. What this actually means is that he is sullen, sarcastic, and craves beer (which explains why he was abandoned). But he is filled with useful devices.


The Captain (Nathan Fillion)
The Captain has super strength, but he got it when he was drunk, so he doesn’t remember exactly how it happened. In fact, the Captain once got so drunk, he forgot his own name. Everyone just calls him “the Captain.”

Tabitha Smith (Riki Lindhome)
Tabby can make things explode. Everyone says that she’s an Inhuman, but she denies it, saying that she’s totally something cooler, but can’t mention it because of the lawyers. She also has the power of stealing your stuff.


Dirk Anger (David Hasselhoff)
The leader of the Highest Anti-Terrorist Effort, Dirk Anger has a multitude of problems, including misogyny, bulimia, alcoholism, nicotine addiction, depression, and sadism. He also takes drugs to extend his life and loves H.A.T.E. He is a weird, weird man.

Nextwave: “A tale of five pirate superheroes stopping the terrorist cell S.I.L.E.N.T. today masquerading as the Beyond(C) Corporation from product-testing WMDs on American cities and if that actually made sense to you tell mommy or daddy to get you the special pills.”

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