Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks

I await the phone call from the Nobel committee.

As is well known, cats are the natural enemies of vampires. This has been clearly established by overwhelming empirical evidence. This is because cats recognize that vampires can take the form of bats, which are just a kind of flying mouse. Also, cats are naturally aggressive towards any creature that tries to unseat them as the apex predator. Not to mention anything that interferes with the cushy situation cats have created for themselves with their human domestic servants. [S. King, “Sleepwalkers”]

Vampires are repelled by crosses not due to their religious symbolism, but because vampires have a cognitive problem with right angles. Again, there is a wealth of research about this, the most widely accepted hypothesis being that vampires predate the evolution of humans by hundreds of thousands of years, having evolved long long before man introduced human artifacts built with right angles, angles which typically do not appear in nature. Vampire brains never evolved the ability to deal with right angles. [P. Watts, “Blindsight”]

Hence: this is why cats are attracted to boxes. Or even squares drawn on the ground. They feel safe from vampires, their natural enemies, when inside boxes because they know that the vampires will be repelled by the right angles found in boxes.


This came to me this morning during a battle with one of my feline overlords while I was trying to break down some old cardboard boxes for recycling.

I await the accolades that are sure to follow this major insight.

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