So, I'm writing cause I'm feeling very conflicted right now, and a bit ashamed of myself, and I just need a bit of advice on how to deal with that. I know the O-deck is not a psychiatrist office, so if you decide it's not appropriate here, feel free to delete it (I know the mods recently deleted a personal post from someone)
So basically, I started reading that porn parody article.
Now, I consume porn. Most of it in written or drawn form, but yes I do go Redtube or similar sites from time to time and watch a few clips. I tend to watch the clips I really like a few times. I never watch more than 10 minutes of the same clip, and I often fast forward trough all the bits, cause seriously, 2 minutes of BJ is enough, I don't need 15 minutes of it. I also hate zooming on organs - I wanna see the women's face, goddammit!
But the thing is - I never felt proud of doing so. This is something I do, because it's natural to do, and I don't watch full movies or download anything or, even worse, buy anything, cause I don't want to make any permanent commitment to it, you know? Spending money on porn is for me too involved or hardcore for me to be able to do it. I don't think I would be able to admit I pay for porn. Maybe it's the fact I'm a 25 years old mostly virgin man, so I feel really awful and pathetic to really exclusively on porn to satisfy my needs. Recently getting shot down by a woman who was, by her own admission, really into me for my "genetics" also kind of made me even more ashamed of this.
So, back to the point, I'm reading that porn parody article, and I click on this clip:
To my shock, I can recognize not one, but TWO of the actresses in there - Buffy (Lexi Belle) and Darla (not named, but I swear this is Ash Hollywood)
That's when it hit me in the face- I'm committed to porn. I have knowledge of porn and I can't deny it. And somehow, the fact that I now know so much about porn makes me shameful. I don't know why. I'm just... disgusted with myself. I felt like I crossed a line I didn't want to cross.
I think porn is healthy when done right, and I don,t want to be so close-minded about sex, but I don,t know, there is something sitting very wrong with the fact I can know name and recognize porn actresses. It's like I've learned something I wasn't meant too. But then my brain screams I,m being an idiot, and I shouldn't be surprised that I absorbed some knowledge of porn, since I asbsorb knowledge about everything very rapidly.
Am I normal? Is it normal to gain such knowledge even with casual viewings of porn? Is there anything I can do to alleviate this shame that seems, to my higher brain function, nonsensical?