I decided to do the (ir)responsible thing and decided to flash Cyanogen 10 ROM on my crappish phone. Now it's buttery smooth and a lots more faster.
1. Root your Andy phone using a custom recovery manager.
2. Back everything up.
3. Do a system wipe.
4. Flash new ROM (and pray to your favorite deity or celebrity)
5. Laugh maniacally at your own success (while trying to work around insanely inconvenient glitches and bugs which the internet hopefully has all the right patches for).
I'm going to go and eat a bag of jelly beans to celebrate!