Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks

Spoilers ahead after the jump. I will be posting my thoughts semi-chronologically.

-Oh, ​ an away mission. I feel like this is just gonna be one long reference for fans and will never occur again in these movies.


-Why the hell did you park that in the ocean? You do realize you could have just parked on the other side of the volcano.... Or, you know, stayed in space and easily had line of sight in case of things going wrong.

-Hey, it's Mickey!

-Does that mean Pete's World is the Star Trek universe?

-Mickey blew up... well, least he got one speaking line... I guess.

-Oh, now they realize how dumb Kirk winding up a captain after all that was. Yea, J.J., but you realized that way too late, now you just look like an idiot.


-Hey, RoboCop! Wait... a geek actor we recognize... crap, he's a bad guy.

-Yea, we know, John Harrison is Khan. You could have just made it one of Khan's people you know, J.J. Rebooting the series in that century doesn't turn the dude white.


-Uhhh, if that's a jet turbine, then the gun going in in the first place should have destroyed it.

-Oh look, you killed Pike because you wrote yourself into a corner. Thanks, jerks. Bye Christopher, I'm not Nero.


-How many freaking people did they tell about the Transwarp Beaming?!

-So he's gonna be working with Klingons?

-Simon Pegg better be in more of this. Karl Urban can't carry the whole damn thing alone.


-Wait... you weren't going to use the damn torpedoes? Then why the hell didn't you tell Scotty!?

-The ship broke down, really? Damn, Scotty wasn't a miracle worker.


-Oh, you're gonna head into Klingon space using a confiscated ship... why didn't you show that instead and worked in the Kirk shooting from the hip thing to be demoted and re-promoted (again)?

-Klingons look... eh, could look dumber. I wouldn't have argued with you ditching the bat'leths though. Those things would give ya carpal tunnel.


-And now "John Harrison" is helping them? The hell was the point of hiding on Qo'noS again?

-Oh, somewhere in there there was boobs. I really don't care, they saved me from two boobless hours of bad Star Trek fanfic.


-Wait... was Admiral RoboCop gonna have Kirk fire his 72 friends at him?


-Oh, Admiral RoboCop was out of the loop on that one. Then how the hell did Khan manage to hide 'em in there? You think he'd keep a better eye on his collateral.

-Yay, more Scotty.

-Wait, how did he sabotage the ship without Scotty noticing? I guess when they loaded the rest of the torpedoes and he was missing....


-Furthermore, why the hell was Khan on Qo'noS when that plays into Admiral RoboCop's plans of having the war he wanted? You'd think he'd purposefully remove any reason he had to use him for the war simply to spite him.

-Oh hey, Chekov got the engines running.


-And they just got their butts kicked and knocked out of war. Do they even HAVE shields in this version of Star Trek? Can we also just get ONE freaking beam weapon?

-Yea, bargaining with him when you have no shields and he has a transporter isn't gonna wo- told ya.


-Offering yourself to him Kirk won't work. Your crew are witnesses. Also, why the hell aren't you hailing Earth? You're right outside you morons. Starfleet's not gonna care why the hell an Admiral is firing on a Federation vessel. They're gonna command him to stand down.

-Look at that, Scotty to the rescue.


-Oh look, Kirk and Khan going over. I'm sure this won't backfire at all. Also, oh look, a dead tribble being experimented. I'm sure this won't solve what we all know is coming up.

-That is one dumb, and dead, inept guard.

-Theeeeeyyyyy'rrrrrrrrrrrrrrre SAFE!

-Yea, no, stun Khan some more.

-Told ya.

-I'd like to pause here and say Karl Urban hasn't been in enough of this. By enough I mean 100% of all scenes. Now give me more Karl Urban. I'm waiting.


-Oh, you're definitely not sticking his head in RoboCop after that. Seems a bit barbaric for a smart guy. But I guess he's mad about his people.


-They're gonna activate the missiles on Khan... but I thought the warheads got removed in favor of putting popsicles in there?

-Guess not... maybe that was the long range fuel he removed?


-Oh yay, we're gonna get Kirk to play the Spock role of Wrath of Khan. J.J. we kept telling you not to do Wrath of Khan, but do you listen? Nooooooooooooo.

-I do believe Khan just killed tens of thousands. Future sure is bleak, J.J. Your lens flare is now rather annoyingly pointless in light of that.


-Big surprise, the tribble is now alive. Wait... you're putting Kirk in a cryotu- WHY DO YOU NEED KHAN'S BLOOD?! YOU'RE UNFREEZING A DAMN POPSICLE WITH SUPER BLOOD RIGHT NOW! Ugh, fine, I'll let you use the excuse that they don't know how to defrost 'em and the blood may not be viable, but OH WAIT! YOU didn't use that excuse!


-Wait, Chekov can't get a lock on two guys fighting on a car, but he can get a lock on two guys falling at terminal velocity? Stop contradicting your own damn movie!

-Oh god, they refroze him. Worst. Sequelbait. EVER!

-Would it have been so hard to have Shatner do the "Where No Man Has Gone Before" spiel? Actually, how about George Takei?


-Anyways, you know what to do, J.J.

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