Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks

In Defense of Ewoks

In all of Star Wars fandom, there is maybe only one name that strikes more disgust than Ewok (Gungan/Jar Jar). Often decried as nothing more than "teddy bears" that drag down the original trilogy, the Ewoks have been vilified by many. However, I loved the Ewoks as a kid, and even today, I consider them to be murderous badasses who might just be one of the most dangerous species in the entire galaxy.


In their first appearance, over thirty years ago in Return of the Jedi, the Ewoks tried to roast Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Chewbacca alive and probably intended to tear R2-D2 apart and use his parts for some nefarious purpose. The only thing that saved our heroes was the Ewok worship of C-3PO (with a Force assist from Skywalker), who ordered the furry psychopaths to let the three heroes (and R2) go.

Later in the film, the Ewoks gleefully waged war against the Empire's best soldiers. Their mastery over metallurgy allowed their weapons to easily pierce the stormtroopers' state-of-the-art armor, and their small size was ideal for evading Imperial assaults (usually).

At the end of Return of the Jedi, the Ewoks celebrated their successful battle against the Empire, which was actually an elaborate hunt they had planned long before they met Luke and Co., by turning the helmets of fallen stormtroopers into musical instruments. What happened to the heads inside those helmets is sure to haunt our darkest nightmares were we ever to find out. While the Ewoks lost their appetizers with the divine intervention of C-3PO, they were still able to enjoy their main course — the soldiers of the Empire.


"But wait!" you might be saying. "What about the Ewok movies with the Towani family?! The Ewoks were nice to them!"


Ah, but the Ewoks were fully planning to eat the Towanis as well. That particular tribe was simply a group of Ewok hippies who believed in free-range meat. So they allowed the Towanis to roam free, intending to slowly fatten them up while letting them get exercise so their meat was nice and lean when the time came. The Marauders in The Battle for Endor threw a hydrospanner into those plans; killing Cindel's parents and brother and sending the young girl into the care of Noa, who took her off the planet. The Ewoks mourned the loss of their feast, but soon after, the Empire arrived with thousands of workers and soldiers. It was as though an all-you-can-eat buffet had come to the Ewoks' doorstep.

So, believe the Ewoks were nothing more than silly teddy bears if you want. Me, I think about the Ewoks and get a tingle of fear up my spine.

Share This Story