This is why we can’t have nice things.

[insert drawing done in a crashed pc /sarcasm style] Just kidding, you know we love you buddy. But seriously, keep those drawings coming because they’re gold.

Everyone knows that exclusives and variants are a given in this day and age in the smartphone world, we’ve learned to live with them and sometimes they’re actually not that bad. Hell, sometimes we form up in queues online and madly click F5 over and over in the hopes of being one of the chosen few to be granted the privilege of paying for one of these exclusive items.

This, however, will likely not be one of those times.

Up first we’ve got the Galaxy S6 Edge which now comes in an Iron Man edition.

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Looking at it, it’s honestly not bad. Minus the Iron Man mask on the back, I think the color scheme suits the phone. [reads what he just wrote and chuckles at the fact that he worked in “suits the phone” about an Iron Man variant of a device]

There’s really not much to this device beyond the color change and the skin built into Android itself. It’s clearly Iron Man inspired on both fronts, although I’d say on the latter it isn’t quite up to snuff. It just looks wrong.

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Beyond that this is essentially the same as any other 64 GB Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge. I mean that, not a single thing different about this phone beyond the skin and paint scheme. (Although it’s worth pointing out that even that hideous “stock” theme that is TouchWiz’d up can be replaced with a more aesthetically pleasing to the eye one that is much more in line with stock AOSP.)

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Well, minus that lovely looking wireless charger that is. If they’d sell that separately I bet it would sell a lot more units.

On a “can you buy it?” note, the magic 8 ball says “no”. Why? This is only going to be available in South Korea, China, and Hong Kong. Oh yeah, you’ll be able to get it elsewhere, but it’ll have to be imported and you can expect an even more insane markup on it. It’s not worth it, trust me.

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Speaking of insane markups though, I present to you the Black Widow inspired iPhone 6. This thing, compared to the previous device, is a real looker. There’s just one “are you fucking kidding me” catch or two.

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So apparently Kinja is being really, really stupid with images on this post (on a related note I will no longer refer to Kinja as Kinja, going forward whenever you see me use the term “rat creature” just know that I am referring to Kinja) and just putting the Iron Man one over and over despite my attempts at editing things to fix that. Rather than get even more annoyed than usual with Kinja I’m just gonna link to pics and you can peruse as you see fit. They are related to this post though and not just silly things.

First image.

Second image.

So, before we get into the specific catches, let’s take a look at what you get. An iPhone 6, in one of three variants storage wise. Again, that’s it. Essentially the same as any regular iPhone 6, minus the whole “this one is an unlocked version” thing. (That’s code for: this isn’t a carrier subsidized model, you are paying full price for it.)

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Now the catches.

First off, this is limited to a 25 unit run. Yep, only 25 of these are being made. [whistles “Ain’t That A Shame”] I can’t tell you how I feel about that, someone is making a variant of the latest iPhone and limiting its production run.

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Third image.

Of course where this train goes completely off the rails is in its pricing. Look at the pricing on this device. You’re looking at a markup of $950 per device! (The iPhone 6 unlocked 16 GB retails for $649 from Apple’s website. Each increase in storage capacity adds another $100 to that. So $749 for the 64 GB version and $849 for the 128 GB version.) Everything about that is just absolute dickishness.

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Let me put that pricing in another way, you could easily buy two 128 GB iPhone 6 phones for the price of the 16 GB Black Widow iPhone 6. Just let that sink in.

But wait, it’s got a fancy coat of paint! I’m sure some of you have thought that and I will grant you that, it does have a fancy and not unattractive coat of paint. But that markup! Look, you buy that iPhone 6 and give me $130 and the paint and a buddy and I will do the same thing for your phone. More or less. We’re known for getting fucked up and doing some insanely complex things while under the influence, things we normally aren’t capable of when sober. (Mostly because we’re extremely lazy.)

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But you know what? The pricing isn’t what really pisses me off about that Black Widow iPhone. The exclusivity is what does that.

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That’s the tweet Mark Ruffalo put out fairly recently that caught on pretty fast and made the various cycles on various sites online and it is shockingly accurate. (Hell, it’s already been pointed out that one of the memorable Black Widow scenes in the film, the one where she drops from a Quinjet in a motorcycle, has had her replaced by Captain America and Iron Man, just let that second name sink in for a moment, in the toy inspired by said scene!)

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So how is all this related?

Well, you’ve got a lack of Black Widow toys being specifically called out as a thing by one of the stars of the film. You’ve got toys which should feature her character having other characters replace her in said toys. And then we finally get something that is truly inspired by her character in the film and it gets a limited production run of only 25 units and a markup of $950!

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You know what that means? It means that this product is niche as fuck. That means the next time someone thinks of creating something that’s Black Widow inspired (and isn’t a toy) they’re going to look at this phone and go, “Well, you know, we could make it but ColorWare tried that and they only sold 25 of them. If even that many.” They’re not going to think, “ColorWare only MADE 25 of them.” They’re going to focus on how many were sold, assuming any are at all (although it’s likely a given they’ll all sell, maybe), and that hurts the character and anything based off her in the long run. She’ll be seen as something that doesn’t sell when it comes to tie-in products and that really grinds my gears.

On an unrelated note

I still owe you all last week’s Wednesday Android Update post, which I still haven’t finished because reasons! (Read: Dilly dallying.) But with IO happening in two days and me wanting to murder Adobe right now (seriously, they update their software that they sell in stores and of course they don’t give you the Serial Code right out of the box, oh no, they give you a Redemption Code that you have to enter online to then get your Serial Code for software you bought that’s boxed and available at any local retailer except the fucking Redemption Code keeps getting flagged as invalid in their goddamn website despite being correct and goddamnit Adobe I hate you so much right now (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻) that honestly it’s just gonna get postponed until next week and that’s perfectly fine because I have thought of something to go along with it. An update to my picks for best phones available at the moment and best bang for your buck in that vain as well.

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But you can definitely expect the IO related one this week because I’m off Thursday and Friday and will spend both days watching all the streams and pouring over everything that is IO related or comes from it those days.