PLEEEAAASSE, DON’T SHOOT ME! DON’T PUSH MY SUPER PUNCHABLE WHINING IDIOT FACE IN!

Okay... I just hit the last three episodes of Star Wars -Resistance. The best one was The Platform Classic. AKA: The episode that really had NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, KAZUDA XIONO.

I’ve given him 9 goddamn episodes to become likable. I’ve been patient with this gormless son of a senator. I’ve been waiting for what is supposed to be an officer and a squadron leader for the New Republic to grow some basic goddamn competence or maturity.

And it’s just not happening.

He’s Buster Goddamn Keaton with a competent droid. He’s essentially a step above freaking BINKS. HE’S A FREAKING NPC WITH DELUSIONS OF BEING A PLAYER CHARACTER! He was placed as a spy at a station to gather information because he’s too incompetent for anyone to believe he’s a goddamn spy! I can’t even enjoy it from the vantage point of shadenfreude for a 1%-er thrown into the deep end with no prep! There’s nothing he won’t fuckup, break, lie badly about or yell about. He’s essentially an attitude-filled relic of every videogame voice from a skater game in the 90's. He’s EXTREEEEMMME! He’s a goddamned useless Power Ranger. Great when you get him in his zord/x-wing fighter. Useless for everything else. Most any scrape he gets out of is cos BB-8 was there. Or SOMEONE was there to pull his meat out of the grinder.

And I understand there’s this whole angst thing about being handed his career and position by his senator dad who is disappointed that he wanted to be a pilot. (See: Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Starfighters) Allegedly he has daddy issues. Haven’t seen a bit of that in 8 episodes. I understand there’s supposed to be some depth to the fellow. Right now, I’ve seen deeper goddamn puddles. This is NOT the Diamond in the Rough. (That was the ‘Loth-Rat’ from the last series. with SURPRISING depth.) This is someone who has apparently killed other people by exploding their spacecraft around them in a vaccum. He’s a trained soldier and a pilot. And whether he was born with a silver spoon up his ass is immaterial. He’s supposed to be an intuitive ace when it comes to flight and/or commanding a squadron. The first episode, he’s made the choice to stay and die so his people can escape. He’s seen some shit. Remember that disappointed tone his dad the senator had for him during that Holocall from Tantive? Yeah... Kaz is no longer the character I’m sympathizing with here. That, “Oh shit, HERE we go...” delivery his dad was vibe-ing here? I GET THAT, DAD.

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Okay... how much from the Kazuda Discretionary Disaster Fund do I need to draw THIS time?

Whenever Kaz stumbles into shot. When we pan over to him frustrated-ly breaking yet another expensive repair job in front of his long-suffering garage-mates. Whenever he stammers his way though a lie, or feigns being cooler than he could ever aspire to. Whenever he doesn’t listen to someone that knows better. Follow orders. Whenever he has to wheedle for food or pay, beg for his life, or apologize for yet another SNAFU he’s entirely at fault for? That’s my reaction every time. “Oh shit, HERE we go...” YEAH, SENATOR XIOTO. I GET IT. I’M WITH YOU.

So you can understand when I get a bit frustrated. He’s supposed to be acting like a functioning adult, if young adult. And he’s consistently shown an intellect and maturity equivalent to an 11 year old being presented with his first go-cart or copy of Dance-Dance-Revolution: Starfighter Edition. If I were in my early 20's, I’d be fairly insulted by his representation of my age group.

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KILL IT WITH FIRE! YAPPY DOG WHATEVER THIS IS IS NOT COOL SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? JANEY FOOKIN’ MACK!!

(And seriously, Forza Girl... what was that horrific Poochie-Chimera animal in your room? YOU CAN JUST ROCK ME TO FREAKING SLEEP OKAY?? WHERE ALL MY LOTH-CAT PEOPLE? HOLLA AT ME!)

There’s just barely enough plot here to keep me interested. I’m here for every OTHER character except the main one. I’m here for the starship and fightercraft porn. For Captain Not Quite Adama and his Forza racer of a daughter. For Greedo Chocolate-Bear and Frodo Malfoy. I’m kinda here for the Miralian Russian Accented Pirate chick I thought was a Zeltron at first and the inevitable slashfic she’ll engender with attitude-filled technician chick. Hell, I’m even here for the inappropriate old Bith in the hallway that reminds me of the old Pedo in Family Guy. And I understand they can’t all be gems. Not all of Clone Wars or Rebels were gems.

But a more than fair amount of them were. You got character growth, actual drama with consequences. And in the end, the show grew with you. You may have started a kid, and it may have started as a kid’s show. By the end of the preceding shows, you both were decidedly not. And the better Filoni and company got, the more I was there for.

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BUT I AM NOT HERE FOR USELESS FREAKING KAZUDA. I AM DONE WITH HIM. I AM NOW HERE TO SEE HIM EVENTUALLY GET SHOT. AND HE’LL FLASH THIS ‘SWEET MAKER YOU’RE NOT GONNA KILL ME ARE YOU??’ FACE RIGHT BEFORE SOMEONE DOES IT. SO THERE! I SAID IT!! I LOVES ME SOME DAVE FILONI, BUT THE MAN DOES NOT SHIT GOLD. SOMETIMES THE MAN SHITS ACTUAL SHIT. LIKE KAZUDA XIONO.

FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, HERE’S HIS GORMLESS FACE IN ITS DEFAULT ‘PLEASE DON’T SHOOT ME FOR BEING A FUCKUP!!” EXPRESSION!