Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks

Well. Uh. That happened.


So this is a first: I honestly do not know what to think about this movie.

There are moments in it that I genuinely love. The entire movie basically being a trip through MCU history is brilliant. It also allows the characters to interact with people they wouldn’t normally interact with — Tony talking to his father and sharing tips about being a parent, Bruce talking with the Ancient One, Steve Rogers trolling Hydra (god that was hilarious), and so on.

There are moments where I wanted to shout “FUCK YEAH!” in the theater. The entire ending fight, including the super awesome girl power moment where Captain Marvel is joined by every single awesome female superhero (minus the shows, of course, although I do wish Daisy Johnson had shown up). That was fucking awesome.

There were moments that were incredibly sad. The very first scene — Clint looking around, trying desperately to find his family — was heartbreaking. Thor talking with his mother was one of my absolute favorite scenes, because she knows what he’s going to tell her and still she stops him.


And yet...if you really think about this movie for a minute, it makes no goddamn sense. Okay, yes, they used time travel to get the Infinity Stones and restore everyone to life...five years after the Snap. Which means that the survivors still lived through five years of grief. And the Snap must have resulted in plenty of other deaths — people in planes and cars and in hospitals that suddenly found themselves without pilots or drivers or doctors. Did those people come back to life, too?

The Infinity Gauntlet can do anything, but they only used it to restore those that were Snapped, is that right? Because if so, that’s some bullshit right there. And those people who came back to life — they lost five years. Suddenly, it’s 2023 and the world has completely changed. If they are lucky, then their entire family and friends were snapped, too, so that they were restored at the same age, but if not...I mean, Scott Long’s daughter is now, what, fifteen? And Scott was gone from her life for five years. That’s got to mess with people. The psychological damage alone is huge.


And that’s not even taking into account the fact that how does time travel work in this universe anyway? The Ancient One says that if Bruce takes the Time Stone, it can’t be used to stop threats to Earth anymore, but Bruce promises to give it back. She basically tells him that he will be creating a split timeline, but he says “No, no, no splits if everything goes as planned.” But it doesn’t! Sure, Steve returns all the Stones, but 2014 Thanos and 2014 Nebula are dead. So...does that mean they actually did create a split timeline where Thanos and his entire fleet disappeared and never came back? And is 2014 Gamora now living in 2023? Is there a timeline out there where Loki wasn’t captured in the wake of the Battle of New York and escapes with the Tesseract? (I have a feeling that if they do bring Loki back, this is how — it’s Alternate Loki from an Split Timeline.)

Is the next Guardians of the Galaxy going to have Thor in it and no Gamora? Or will it take place pre-Infinity War? Black Widow certainly has to take place pre-Infinity War. And don’t even get me started on how Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is going to handle this, because I have no idea.


As I stated: I have no idea how I feel about this movie. It’s like I was watching The Avengers Greatest Hits. It didn’t feel as if it was a movie, just a sequence of scenes (really good scenes, to be sure) strung together without any meaning behind them. Yes, Tony died, but...we all knew that was going to happen.

Oh and Steve stayed in the past and got together with Peggy Carter, which either means she never married her husband in this new timeline or Steve was the husband she mentioned. But somehow Steve staying in the past doesn’t mess up the timeline at all?


God this movie. What the fuck is this movie? It’s like the writers said, “Hey, time travel is fun, but don’t think about it too hard. No, no, don’t think about it.” But...you can’t help but think about it! BECAUSE IT MAKES NO SENSE. AND YET I STILL LIKED IT. WHY?!

If you can explain this film to me, please do so.

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