...that happened 1100 feet in the air. And then one that happened 8 feet in the air.
This past Saturday, my boyfriend, his brother and myself walked around on top of the big pod of the CN Tower.
First, some background on the CN Tower: it was built for the express purpose of being really fucking tall. The 60s and 70s had seen a boom of skyscrapers around the city. This had started to affect the TV and radio signals around the city. THIS WOULD NOT STAND. I’m not sure if you know what “The Littlest Hobo” is, but we could not get enough of it. Crime-solving, wandering German Shepherds don’t just watch themselves (Yes, our version of The Incredible Hulk was a dog who wandered around the country helping people.) Right, so what do we need? A REALLY TALL TV ANTENNA. And by God it was glorious. Historical note on our super tall building:
Canadians: Ahhh, we have toiled and laboured! That’s definitely the world’s tallest building. Oh, for sure.
Americans: *Ahem* Duuuudes, it’s not like it’s an office building. I don’t think you can call it a building. Now, the Sears Tower, THAT’S a damn tall building.
Canadians: GOD, America, you can’t just let us have this one thing, can you? CAN YOU? Fine, fuck it, we’ll just call it the tallest ‘free-standing structure’, okay? OKAY? IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?? (Dicks)*
*I’m not 100% sure of the historical accuracy, but it feels right, doesn’t it?
Anyway, what are we left with? A gigantic phallic symbol of Toronto’s very own (SUCK IT, MONTREAL)! There is a restaurant that rotates (yes, just like in The Simpsons. You know what I’m talking about), a really cool viewing area with a glass floor that never fails to amaze, and, uh, laser tag?
Until about two years ago, that it, when EDGEWALK came to our very own tower.
Edgewalk. You are literally strapped to the building and then you walk all the way around it. Simple, non? IT IS FUCKING AMAZING. Let's start at the beginning. (Note, my boy and his brother are ok with their images, but the others didn't. Sorry guys. Also, yes, you will finally see what I look like. If anyone recognizes me IT'S NOT A SURPRISE. I WRITE EXACTLY LIKE I TALK. Apparently, I'm really short in comparison to rest of the population? I don't remember being particularly short...)
First, we sign some waivers, obviously. They're not taking responsibility if we're stupid. Makes sense. Then we are totally given a breathalyzer. They are taking this shit seriously, people. I even had to take out the bobby pins in my hair in case they fell and impaled someone. They put us in jumpsuits and harnesses. Those harnesses were checked approx eleventy times. This was very comforting.
We look fucking smashing. And I totally got to wear my glasses! They essentially clipped them to my jumpsuit so I couldn't even toss them if I wanted to. Which I didn't, because what would be the point of getting this high if I can't seen anything?? Exactly.
So we're herded into the elevator up to the Launch Zone (I don't think that's technically its name, but IT'S MY STORY). We are clicked in to two ropes, one on the front and one in the back. Those carabiners are locked AND zip-tied; they really want us to not-die.
Exhibit A: The following video
There are two paths, we get the front one, and the guide takes the back one. This is so he can come see each of us individually, and not be stuck on the front or back. You can also see how we are roped to the building. We ain't goin' nowhere.
Right, so we're on this glorified mesh sidewalk really, really high up in the air. Now is the time to play with our restraints and see what we can do. And our guide will be telling us amusing anecdotes, because why not? (Anecdote 1: Toronto is on the shores of Lake Ontario. Other people on this experience think Lake Ontario is the ocean. It is not. It is better. Because lakes and rivers >>> oceans. Salt water is the devil. WHY DOES IT BURN. Also, I don't need salt water to help me float! I can do it myself! Lazy coastal citizens.)
Activity 1: Toes Over Toronto
You literally walk to the edge and put your toes over it and wave to the ant-people below. Logically, you know you are safe. There are many redundant systems making sure you don't fall off. Yeah, brain still goes "HEY! HEY! DID YOU KNOW WE'RE REALLY, REALLY HIGH? WE'D TOTALLY NOT SURVIVE THIS. I WONDER IF IT'S TRUE YOU BLACK OUT BEFORE YOU HIT THE GROUND. LET'S NOT TEST THAT. GET BACK TO SAFETY." And because I am essentially Homer, I tell my brain to shut up. It then says it's leaving and walks down some stairs and slams the door.
Yeah, I walked very, very gingerly to the edge. You can't hear it, but I totally butchered the Shelley poem and spoke it to the people in my domain: "I am Ozymandias, King of Kings! Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
I am SO CLEVER.
Activity 2: The Backward Lean
Exactly what you think it is. This whole time I was thinking, if goddamn Jann Arden and Rick Mercer can do this, then I CAN. I am almost as cool as Jann Arden.
Activity 3: The Forward Lean
Again, exactly what you think it is. Our guide said most people do a 'Titanic' or 'Superman' pose. But I am VERY VERY CLEVER so I decided to do something different.
Yeah, I'm doing the Peter Pan. My boyfriend's brother did The Horns SO I AM NOT THE ONLY DORK, thank you very much.
Activity 4: Picture Time!
At this point, we've pointed at landmarks, found our homes and places of work, and defied death multiple times. It is amazing how quickly the human body can get accustomed to something. Obviously, it is time to take some fun pictures!
"HEY BMO BUILDING! YOU'RE NOT SO HIGH AND MIGHTY ANYMORE, ARE YOU?? THAT'S RIGHT! SUCK IT!"
It's "Second star to the right and straight until morning" NOT "Hello, sailor!"
That's right, I convinced us to do YMCA. If only I could use my powers for monetary gain.
Remember how I'm really, really clever? Whatever, so much cooler than metal signs.
God, we're so adorable. The one in the middle is MINE.
So that concludes the 110 stories tale. Wicked fun and perfectly safe. I would definitely do it again. And recommend it to anyone who doesn't pee at the thought of heights.
LITTLE DID I KNOW THE TRUE DANGER WAS TO HAPPEN ON SUNDAY. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN.
Nephew's birthday in a park. Perfectly innocent. I found the only way I could truly tell the story was in GIF form. Behold:
SON OF A BITCH HINGE WAS RUSTED THROUGH AND SNAPPED JUST AS I WAS AT THE TOP.
Look what it did:
My poor knees. Most importantly, MY POOR PRETTY TEAL DRESS. Grass stains are a bitch. But don't you worry, I got my revenge:
Yeah! I taught that swing a lesson!
I just wanted to tell both these stories because, you know, I don't get injured at 1100 feet. But God help me if I want to go 8 feet high on a swing.
How was your weekend?