Eddison Tollett, known better by the name Dolorous Ed, has been the sole comic relief in the deserted frozen land that is the Wall. He is the embodiment of sarcasm and his black humor is enough to make anyone chuckle. Here are a few of his best quotes for you who may being having a long Monday.

(I am because it’s a complete downpour outside and I am walking everywhere while my car is in the shop and because Mondays after a three day weekend always seem longer.)

Quotes are sorted by Book so if you want to avoid certain ones you can, but they have very little spoilers, but no surprises for show watchers really at this point as the show is pretty much caught up other than the two at the end which I put a warning up before.

Book to Show Translator:

  1. A Clash of Kings: Season 2
  2. A Storm of Swords: Seasons 3 & 4
  3. A Dance of Dragons: Season 5

A Clash of Kings

“Bad enough when the dead come walking,” he said to Jon as they crossed the village, “now the Old Bear wants them talking as well? No good will come of that, I’ll warrant. And who’s to say the bones wouldn’t lie? Why should death make a man truthful, or even clever? The dead are likely dull fellows, full of tedious complaints-the ground’s too cold, my gravestone should be larger, why does he get more worms than I do…”

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I like his version of life as a Zombie/Wight. “Grr...Why can’t I get more legroom?”

“Something worse than we can imagine,” suggested Dolorous Edd. “Well, I might be able to imagine it, but I’d sooner not. Bad enough to know you’re going to come to some awful end without thinking about it aforetime.”

“If it’s warm and dry inside, don’t tell me, I wasn’t asked in.”

In regards to sitting outside in the snow at Craster’s keep after telling Jon Mormont was looking for him.

“Give the wildling an axe, why not? He’ll give it back, I vow. Buried in the Old Bear’s skull, like as not. Why not give him all our axes, and our swords as well? I mislike the way they clank and rattle as we ride. We’d travel faster without them, straight to hell’s door. Does it rain in hell, I wonder? Perhaps Craster would like a nice hat instead.”

...

“There’s much to be said for a good sharp axe. I’d hate to be murdered with a maul. I saw a man hit in the brow with a maul once. Scarce split the skin at all, but his head turned mushy and swelled up big as a gourd, only purply-red. A comely man, but he died ugly.”

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He’s not wrong, you know.

Edd stood over the kettle swishing the eggs about with a spoon. “I envy those eggs,” he said. “I could do with a bit of boiling about now. If the kettle were larger, I might jump in. Though I would sooner it were wine than water. There are worse ways to die than warm and drunk. I knew a brother drowned himself in wine once. It was a poor vintage, though, and his corpse did not improve it.”

“You drank the wine?”

“It’s an awful thing to find a brother dead. You’d have need of a drink as well, Lord Snow.”

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That’s always been one of my favorites, because you have no idea if he’s serious or not.

A Storm of Swords

“I believe you knocked a leaf off that tree,” said Dolorous Edd. “Fall is falling fast enough, there’s no need to help it.” He sighed. “And we all know what fallows fall. Gods, but I am cold. Shoot the last arrow, Samwell, I believe my tongue is freezing to the roof of my mouth.”

...

“Might have punctured a lung, if he had a lung. Most trees don’t, as a rule.”

Most trees don’t, but you never know in Westeros which trees might.

Dolorous Edd put a hand on his shoulder. “Brother,” he said solemnly, “just because it happened that way for you doesn’t mean Samwell will suffer the same.”

“What are you talking about, Tollett?”

“The axe that split your skull. Is it true that half your wits leaked out on the ground and dogs ate them?”

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Good to see someone other than Jon sticking up for Sam.

“Dywen now, he says we need to learn to ride dead horses, like the Others do. He claims it would save on feed. How much could a dead horse eat?” Edd laced himself back up. “Can’t say I fancy the notion. Once they figure a way to work a dead horse, we’ll be next. Likely I’ll be the first too. ‘Edd,’ they’ll say, ‘dying’s no excuse for lying down no more, so get on up and take this spear, you’ve got the watch tonight.’ Well, I shouldn’t be so gloomy. Might be I’ll die before they work it out.”

That puts an optimistic spin on pessimism doesn’t it?

To put some context to the next one: In the books when the wildings attacked they made scarecrow like dummies and put them up on the Wall and surrounding towers to make it seem like there were more Brothers of the Nights Watch than there was. They named them after the “missing brothers” who hadn’t yet made it back to the Wall from Craster’s Keep and then wagered on which would get the most arrows in them before the fighting was done. Edd was leading, but Watt passed him in the very last day.

“I never win at anything,” Dolorous Edd complained. “The Gods always smiled on Watt, though. When the wildlings knocked him off the Bridge of Skulls, somehow he landed in a nice deep pool of water. How lucky was that, missing all those rocks?”

“Was it a long fall?” Grenn wanted to know. “Did landing in the pool of water save his life?”

“No,” said Dolorous Edd. “He was dead already, from that axe in his head. Still it was pretty lucky, missing the rocks.”

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A Dance with Dragons

“I never wanted to see half the things I’ve seen, and I’ve never seen half the things I wanted to. I don’t think wanting comes into it.”

Reminds me of Bilbo’s “I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.” from The Hobbit.

“The apples stewed with prunes are excellent, except for the prunes. I won’t eat prunes myself. Well, there was one time when Hobb chopped them up with chestnuts and carrots and hid them in a hen. Never trust a cook, my lord. They’ll prune you when you least expect it.”

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Minor spoilers for the last two as I have no idea if a certain scene is going to be in the show or not, but I doubt it, and because the second one might still happen in the show, but I don’t know how since they [GOT FINALE SPOILERS] killed a certain member of the Night’s Watch already.

“Just last night I dreamt I was pissing off the Wall when someone decided to give the horn a toot. Not that I’m complaining. It was better than my old dream, where Harma Dogshead was feeing me to her pigs.”

“Harma’s dead,” Jon said.

“But not the pigs. They look at me the way Slayer used to look at ham. Not to say that the wildlings mean us harm. Aye, we hacked their gods apart and made them burn the pieces, but we gave them onion soup. What’s a god compared to a nice bowl of onion soup? I could do with one myself.”

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All this rain and I could use a bowl of onion soup too.

“Place was overrun with rats when we moved in. The spearwives killed the nasty buggers. Now the place I overrun with spearwives. These days I want the rats back.”