Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks
Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks
Illustration for article titled My Not-Handwritten Resumé Will Not Make You Feel Inadequate

So Robbie Gonzalez posted a thing: specifically a resume written by Leonardo DiCaprio da Vinci himself! It's impressive... most impressive. I couldn't shake the idea of writing out a list of my own current skill set and see which one of us comes out on top. Do enjoy.

  • I consistently arrive at work on time, barring metro delays
  • I have an excellent phone voice and can type 80wpm
  • I can't build you a bridge but I can drive you over it if you have a car
  • I can write you a script that would be suitable for the stage or screen, and deliver it in a timely manner
  • I can also edit other people's scripts quickly
  • Most of the time they even ask me to before I start doing that
  • I have about 100 or more voices / accents / imitations at my disposal
  • No seriously I made a list once
  • I'm a fantastic cook, you should try my omelets sometime
  • My penmanship has been described as 'workmanlike'
  • I am able to turn off internet access on my computer for prolonged stretches of productivity
  • I'm almost unfailingly polite (meaning, I will still think rude things and judge you but I will totally keep it to myself)
  • I've got this comic book review writing thing down
  • Pretty sure, anyway
  • I clean up nicely and will not make you look bad
  • I cannot draw at all but I'm working on it okay
  • If you need heartwarming tales of little girls who are animal rights activists then I'm totally your man
  • I take out the garbage when it needs taking out
  • I have a pretty sweet hat collection
  • I am currently alive, so put THAT in your pipe and smoke it, Da Vinci

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