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Outlaw Vern's Reviews Will Make You Want To Watch The Prequels Again

Illustration for article titled Outlaw Verns Reviews Will Make You Want To Watch The Prequels Again

His "baggage-free" reviews of Star Wars Episodes I-III are written from the perspective of an undemanding, fun-loving good ol' boy (much in the vein of John Bloom's Joe Bob Briggs) who never saw the original trilogy and doesn't know George Lucas from Adam, but really appreciates the sci-fi B-movie aspects of the movies because they remind him of his favorite action, horror, and martial arts flicks. In essence, Vern is the anti-Plinkett. He's not totally nonjudgmental, but he won't nitpick on details. He's a smart guy playing sorta-dumb-but-not-really about some not particularly great movies, but still having a good time by not being an obsessive, clingy fanboy consumed with toxic Lucas-hate. In doing so, he succeeds — or almost succeeds — in getting you to see these universally despised films in a different light.


Also, he uses the word "spacebuckler."

A few gems from the Episode I review:

But I got some suspicions about these Trade Federation guys. I think it's an ideological thing more than a "got bad advice" Wesley Snipes type deal. Did you catch the robes and space ships on these guys doing the blockade? They don't exactly look like they're struggling. I don't for a space-second believe that these dicks are giving back to the galaxy. In fact, I bet you money they pay way less taxes than any of us people who actually have to work do.

I know I'm not the first one to notice this, but the death of Maul (spoiler) is done in a way that's weirdly similar to the death of Randall "Tex" Cobb in the Rutger Hauer ZATOICHI ripoff BLIND FURY. Nice homage.


Episode II, aka "YODA Vs. DRACULA":

There's alot of the good shit in this one, including some more good Kenobi action and the first time I've seen Christopher Lee have a sword duel with a little person and the first time I've seen him do a flip. In that sense it's a historic movie. But overall I believe it is more problematic than part 1. The biggest problem once again is the corny dialogue that Anakin has to say and the actor being too stiff to pull it off. This time it's a rotation of insipid romantical platitudes, unsubtle political discussions and belligerent whining about life not being fair. 'Cause he's a teen now, or a twentysomething or whatever. So he's sullen.


And Episode III:

It looks like some time has passed since part 2. This time Hayden Christensen has been replaced by the much older Marc Singer as Anakin. That's not true although it's a good idea they probly considered.

I want to say this about Palpatine though. I fuckin knew (SPOILER) there was something up with that guy. I figured he was a molester, which if so is not ever mentioned in these movies. But he's the space equivalent of a Nazi war criminal secretly living in your neighborhood. "What, Ted Palpatine? There's no way. Ted's a sweetheart! He used to babysit my kids!"

And when he reveals himself to Anakin, the poor guy looks like he's gonna throw up in his mouth, he's so shocked. He's like a kid that grew up on the D.A.R.E. program finding his cool uncle's secret grow closet. The carpet is pulled out right from under him. But he's a confused kid, and he decides to experiment with the Dark Side.

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