Well, I finally broke down and got an emulator program: DeSmuME, a Nintendo DS emulator, and so far it works perfectly (aside from no wifi support, of course). In a last-ditch effort to not feel like a supervillain, I've only downloaded a few ROMs I'd already bought: Animal Crossing: Wild World and Chrono Trigger DS. We'll see how long that lasts.

By the way, it's early days, but I can report that Tom Nook is still a money-grubbing slumlord.