Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks

At this point, Friday the 13th practically sneaks up on us with little-to-no warning (other than Thursday the 12th). Gone are the days where USA Network would marathon slasher flicks featuring hockey-masked goons, well into the pre-dawn hours of Saturday the 14th.

How, then, are our sweet innocent children to be warned against mortal folly? There are things you can do, and things you must not do, to stay alive!


[If, however, you're a Jason Voorhees, I apologize for obstructing your self-manifestation by advising your would-be victims to steer clear. Murder is not okay, Jasons. Seek therapy.]

Don't Go To Crystal Lake (Or ANY Lake To Be Safe)

Jason Voorheeses frequently haunt the lake where they drowned as children (yet somehow reached adulthood anyway). Most of these are clearly labeled 'Crystal Lake', and as a result, over 150 Crystal Lakes dot the Illinois landscape. It's an epidemic.

Avoid these Crystal Lakes, for your personal safety and the emotional well-being of your loved ones. Parents have been known to go into murderous rages, following the deaths of their children. It's just an endless cycle.


Greedy summer camp owners (like there's any other kind) have been known to purchase a Crystal Lake and rename it, as if such a cheap ploy could assuage the ghosts of yesteryear, still haunting the watery graves they wish to profit on.

So when visiting a lake today, double check that sign!

  • Is the paint job conspicuously fresh?
  • Has an older, still legible sign reading 'Crystal Lake' been ripped out of the ground and thrown aside?
  • Has the word 'Not' simply been tacked onto a sign that now reads 'Not Crystal Lake'? YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL

Don't Work At A Summer Camp

This one's pretty simple: Don't work at a summer camp. Just don't. If you do, you might as well hang a bullseye from your neck and walk around shouting about how much you love pre-marital sex.


For The Love of God, Keep It In Your Pants

This one is also simple, if not easy. While there's no aphrodisiac quite like 70s gym shorts and a cheaply printed camp staff T-shirt, do your best to resist the urges they instill. Jason Voorheeses LOATHE the physical act of love. Maybe because so many of them drowned as boys while their camp counselors were getting it on. Maybe because of their asymmetrical features, homicidal tendencies, and managing to be dead for most of puberty, they've always felt rejected. WE JUST DON'T KNOW.


Anyway. You don't want to end up like this. No-one does. To avoid having your face smashed in, in a sleeping bag, by a hulking Jason Voorhees, it's simple: Don't. Have. Sex.


If you and your paramour are feeling passionate, maybe take a nice cold shower (fully dressed, nudity can enrage Jasons just as easily) and sit down for some quality Bible time.

Get In A Car and Drive the F*** Away

Jason Voorheeses prefer to stalk their prey on foot. If you ARE going camping and suspect your lakeside vista is in fact a shoddily refurbished Crystal Lake:

  • Get your car a full inspection
  • Top off the oil
  • Fill up the tank BEFORE you get there

Nothing dooms a hasty exit like shoddy car maintenance. The LAST thing you need when fleeing from one or more Jason Voorhees, is for your car to crap out on you.


Ignore Any Psychic Connection With Jason Voorheeses


It happens. It's never pretty, but it happens. Does Jason Voorhees show up in your dreams? Have you accidentally freed him from his watery tomb? Do visions of hockey-masked behemoths lumber through your unconscious?

Well, ignore 'em! Don't go to the lake, don't cry out for your dead dad, don't encourage this strange-and-forced aspect of your life. They make pills for just about everything nowadays, and a prescription to suppress your tenuous-and-vague psychic link to a merciless killer should be available through your licensed physician.


Resist any and all urges to visit lakes (Crystal, NOT Crystal, or otherwise). Maybe now's a good time to take that vacation to Aruba!

Avoid New York City (and Also Space)


Jason Voorheeses are no strangers to wanderlust. At random, they may decide to pick up stakes (and machetes) and hit the Big Apple. Hard. With their machetes.

The good news is, they're easily identified in their blood-soaked jumpsuits and hockey masks. The bad news is, it's NEW YORK, and simply walking the streets may not arouse suspicions of natives or tourists. Tread carefully.


Sadly, even outer space is not safe from Jason Voorhees attacks. At least one Jason Voorhees has left a trail of corpses (and ruined droids) in his wake.


Maybe Just Have A Quiet Night In


You know what? I think your best option is going to be to stay in. Have yourself a nice, safe staycation. Treat yo'self to some home delivery, your Netflix queue, and not getting horribly murdered. How's that sound?

It sounds nice, doesn't it.

Follow these tips, and you too can avoid a grisly death this Friday the 13th!

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