PORTLAND – For its sky-rocketing rate of unsolved homicides and the alarming frequency of kidnappings, the city of Portland, Oregon, was named America's most dangerous city today and its police force the worst in the nation.
"I'm born and raised in Portland. I'm all for keeping Portland 'weird' but, these last three years – let me tell you – things have been fucking insane out here," explained local bartender Jim Lick.
"Just earlier this year, some nutjob who was high out-of-his-mind came into my bar and beat the hell out of a bunch of people for no reason! I tried to stop him, but he snatched away my gun and nearly killed me. I barely made it out alive, but another fella didn't. That crazy bastard murdered him, and a bar full of people saw it happen. But have 'Portland's finest' caught him yet?" asked Lick, rolling his eyes. "Of course not. And they probably never will."
The crime wave has brought intense scrutiny to the Portland Police Department, which has been criticized for its ineffectiveness and seeming incompetence.
"Bodies are piling up in Portland! Steven Bamford, Eddie Otero, Alfredo Guzman, Ray Bolton, Freddy Calvert – I can name a dozen more unsolved homicides," said local activist Sheila Carter. "And then there's people getting snatched up left and right. What about all those kids who got kidnapped and tied up in them trees? Sure, they found the kids, but did they ever catch who did it? Hell no."
"And don't even get me started on all those people who got locked in a shipping container down at the port. They didn't get to the bottom that either. I don't think any of the damn police around here could find their own noses since they got them stuck so far up their own asses."
City officials are at a loss to explain the shocking rise in violent crimes to increasingly angry citizens who demand answers. Frequent hearings before the City Council have been held with representatives from law enforcement, but so far little progress has been made to staunch the bleeding.
"I assure you, we are doing absolutely everything we can to make Portland a safer place," said Captain Sean Renard. "I know that things look… grim… now, but they will get better. I guarantee it."