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Preemptive Hot Takes for 2016's Biggest Movies

Illustration for article titled Preemptive Hot Takes for 2016s Biggest Movies

Recent events have convinced me that waiting around for movies to be released before unleashing the blazing hot truth is too risky. The sheeple that fill up the doomed, post-apocalyptic hellscape we call a world may fool themselves into enjoying obvious garbage. Or worse yet, develop a measured opinion that acknowledges it is subjective and doesn’t attempt to conjure the illusion of definitive truth by the clever use of academic jargon. 2016 is a minefield of obviously terrible movies by untalented hacks who prove that creativity is dead and entertainment is the new, worse slavery. I can say that because I know like 5 black people.


So I’m going to tell you what to think about the most insidious “movies” in a vain attempt to prepare you for a year of unending agony as soulless corporate cyborgs force feed the dimwitted masses brain cancer disguised as entertainment in their ongoing effort to kill the human race. So here are my picks for the most deadly toxins the sheeple will gorge themselves on.

Batman v Superman:Dawn of Justice- Stalin. Hitler. Pol Pot. Zack Snyder. Supporting a movie directed by Zack Snyder is like supporting a movie directed by any other crazed mass murderer. But all the people that died in Man of Steel were fictional, you say? Keep drinking that sheeple flavored kool-aid sheeple. If you support this movie, who is to say that Zack Snyder won’t try to blow up an actual city in his Justice League(of Death) movie? Giving this madman money is giving him permission to one day just knock down any city he wants. Essentially, supporting Batman v Superman is supporting corporate sponsored future possible maybe terrorism and mass murder. Also they should not have shown Doomsday in the trailer. I mean come on.


X-Men:Apocalypse- Bryan Singer is a director who has enjoyed critical and commercial success for most of his directing career. That obviously means he is a terrible corporate stooge using the X-Men as a blunt instrument in the ongoing murder of the art form of movie making. I could raise concerns about the very serious allegations made against him over the last few years, but that would be silly. The real problem is that he doesn’t make X-Men movies the way I want him to. Case in point, Apocalypse. The look of Apocalypse has already made this the worst X-Men movie ever, breaking an 8-way tie with all the other X-Men movies.

Ghostbusters-Remakes are the greatest crime against cinema ever. Anyone with a brain knows this. People think the backlash against this movie is sexist. In fact it is super feminist. I care about women so much that I don’t want them subjected to a remake. I’m so feminist that I would(but didn’t) send hateful messages to a hospital full of sick children for just meeting with the poor women being subjected to the horrors of a corporate remake cash grab. I’m so feminist that I want to do everything in my power to force help women to wait for the roles that are acceptable right for me them.


Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them- Creators should be stripped of their creations after a certain amount of time. Place a cap on how much money they can make off their work and prevent them from creating prequels. This abomination that will make your eyes bleed is obvious proof that we need strict regulation on story telling. If only all the world’s governments were not havens of special interest groups and super sophisticated global conspiracies.

Rogue One: A Star Trek Beyond Wars Story- After the unmitigated disaster that was The Force Awakens, Disney is still plugging away at this Star Wars thing despite the terrible film they just released that everyone who knows anything about the fine art of cinema hated. This movie may destroy the country, as Disney continues to force this horrendous torture on us despite the very loud protests for them to stop.


Those are the worst of the worst, scientifically proven to be tumors on global culture. There are other cinematic crimes against humanity coming out(sequels and movies that use a lot of cgi) but none as heinous as these. This is an attempt to penetrate the Dorito flavored double cheesburger haze of the sheeple with the truth. Also get the people who will either enjoy something or not and take time to develop a rounded opinion either way on the matter to stop being cowards.

We can save cinema(not really, we are all doomed).

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