Let me introduce myself. I'm A science fiction nerd, I'm a fantasy nerd, I'm a guitar nerd, even. What I'm not is a super hero nerd. I'm a super hero noob. I read Asterix and Judge Dredd when I was a kid, and The Beano and Dandy (classic British kids comics), but that's as far as my comic book reading goes.
I know who Superman and Batman and Spiderman are because who doesn't, and I'm familiar with Wonder Woman, The Incredible Hulk and Captain America, though little more than what they look like - not back stories or anything. Beyond that, take it for granted that I know nothing except what I've seen in out-of-context GIFs on tumblr.
I'd never even heard of the X-Men or Iron Man before their movies came out, and because I was so ignorant of them I was never inclined to watch them. I caught the first Spider Man movie on TV one Sunday afternoon and hated it, so that all led me to not even paying attention to all the Marvel movies that have come out in recent years.
Until Guardians of The Galaxy came along and looked really good! And it looked nothing like what I thought a Marvel movie was, but was set in the same shared universe? I thought it didn't look like it would cross over with the other Marvel movies, but then I reminded myself that I don't even know anything about the other Marvel movies.
So I decided to do something about it.
Every week I will watch the Marvel movies in release order and live blog my thoughts, starting this week with Iron Man, but before that I thought I'd write down just what I know of the films I'm going to watch.
I know for a fact I will have a lot of this stuff wrong, but please don't tell me - leave me unspoiled, I'm going to find out just how wrong I am when I watch the movies. In fact, that's kinda the point.
Tony Stark is a rich business guy who makes a robot suit thing for some reason. Wackiness ensues. Gwyneth Paltrow is in it?
The Incredible Hulk
Mark Ruffalo is Bruce Banner, a scientist who does something that makes him turn into The Incredible Hulk when he's angry. Warns people not to annoy him because "you won't like me when I'm angry". I assume people then annoy him.
Iron Man 2
Tony Stark has more adventures, there may be a guy with an electric whip of some sort?
Chris Something is Norse thunder god Thor, Tom Whatsisface is his brother/antagonist Loki. Anthony Hopkins plays their dad, Odin, and Idris Elba is another god. They end up on Earth, for a reason that the plot will explain, I'm sure. Thor has some fish-out-of water scenes where he doesn't know how the modern world works. Someone teaches him stuff like crossing the road? And then Thor must use his hammer to defeat his brother who wants to do what we do every night, Pinky, try to tAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!
Captain America: The First Avenger
Another actor called Chris Something plays Steve (this I know through tumblr. Who thought steve was a good name for a super hero? That's like Superman really being called Dave or Batman having a secret identity that turns out to be Terry. It just doesn't fit what I had in my head), a weedy WWII soldier (is his rank captain? Is that where they get the name from? I guess that makes sense, I'd never thought about it) who is cryogenically frozen and woken up in the modern day and has become a buff beefcakey kinda guy and he fights bad guys?
Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Captain Steve, Jeremy Renner (whose super power seems to be he shoots arrows? I tried archery once, seems I'm neither left nor right handed at that, I was just as comfortable both ways - and I wasn't bad, either. Can I be a super hero?) and Scarlett Johansson (who is a ninja type person?) all come together! Because something has happened that requires it!? Something that puts them and/or humanity in danger!?
Iron Man 3
Seriously, I have no idea. He's a guy in a robot suit. Did I mention it flies? Maybe he just goes round picking fights, I dunno.
Thor: The Dark World
What more could a Norse god do now that he's beaten his brother? Are there other nasty gods to defeat? There's a dark world of some sort.
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
This is the one with Anthony Mackie as the Falcon. I know that because he's awesome. I watched all his talk show interviews. The titular winter soldier is the guy with one arm in armour and eye shadow that all the ladies swoon over? He's the baddie, I know that.
Guardians of the Galaxy
The guy from the Parks & Rec GIFs (I think he may also be a Chris - we're everywhere) teams up with a mobile sentient tree (he is Groot), a talking raccoon, a big guy and a green girl to save the galaxy from bald Amy Pond. P&R guy is from Earth and has music on a walkman (which is awesome because I also had a walkman with tapes of music when I was a kid!). Groot either starts out as a little seedling or ends up like that because they replant a bit of him when he dies? The dancing Groot scene is the only bit I've actually seen.
Once again, please don't tell me what I've got wrong there, the movies will do that for me. You can laugh at my total lack of knowledge, though. You have my absolute permission for that.
So before this gets uncomfortably long, lets get on with movie 1: Iron Man.
Myspace? How old is this film?
Ah, he made the bombs. Irony.
Jeff Bridges! (or Daniels? I can never remember which is which) No, I'm sure it's Bridges.
And Jon Favreau! I mean, I know he directed it, but he's in it, too!
Intellicrompts? I don't know what they are but I like the sound of 'em.
No, Vanity Fair reporter, that's when you slap the creep!
She's called Pepper Potts? You're shitting me.
So he's an asshole, but he's impressive.
They hooked him up to a car battery? Is he a bomb?
How does this doctor guy keep his suit so clean if he lives in a cave?
Just a hunch, he's not making a missile, he's making a replacement for the electromagnet/car battery setup that's keeping him alive (though, there's not much space between the magnet and his heart, so surely all the shrapnel is attached to the magnet now so he can just take it off?)
Ha! I was right. Arc reactor, eh? Nice bit of technobabble there, scriptwriters.
What fuels it, though?
So it's just Ned Kelly-style armour and he going to walk out through a hail of bullets? To where? And what about his doctor buddy?
That window on the front for the arc reactor is a bit of a weak point, no? That's surely his most vulnerable point!
No, don't sacrifice yourself for Tony the asshole!
Tony, the guns you make can't be very good if you can survive behind what is really not very thick steel plate.
Aim for the light in his chest, you conveniently multi national terrorist organisation, you.
Flame thrower arms! And destroying the stark-brand weapons, do I spy a moral turning point in the story? He's an asshole with a heart of gold? Well, palladium.
Sand. Lucky that was there.
It's his army buddy!
Three months? He had like a week's worth of stubble.
Ah! I've heard of Agent Coulson. (though only ever having seen it written down I didn't know how it was pronounced; Cool-son, Coal-son? Coal-son.)
335 and a telecaster - he may be an asshole but he has good taste in guitars.
How did the (now dead) doctor guy install that socket into his sternum? And where did it come from? Is it the bottom half of a tin can? Stark Industries military rations?
He's doing self-surgery in his garage? He doesn't have his own operating theatre and a team of surgeons to do it? I guess he is a do-it-yourself kinda guy, but there's a difference between building a hotrod and auto-cardiovascular surgery!
How deep in his chest does that socket go?
He had a robot arm! Why not get that to do the fiddling around in his chest? Unless it was all a ruse to endear himself to the lovely Ms Potts? In which case, dude, she's clearly in love with you already.
Ah, his buddy is Rhodey. I've seen that name on tumblr. Now I have a face to go along with it.
The computer voice has a better English accent than you usually get in hollywood fare. I'll check out the credits to see who did the voice.
Woo! Shiny flying Iron Man!
Where are his fuel tanks?
Ah, good guys smoke cigars, bad guys smoke cigarettes. Unless Jeff Bridges turns out to be a baddie, then it's just bad guys smoke. Symbolism!
Ooh! Bridges might be a baddie :o
Re the fuel tanks - it's the arc reactor powering the whole thing, isn't it. Lucky he has a miracle power device. But surely the foot-rockets need something combustable?
Oh that suiting-up sequence is a little bit impressive, eh? Though, I wouldn't want to get out of it in a hurry, lots of screws and bolts.
Hey, don't shoot Iron man!
Did he just do the Top Gun manoeuvre? "I'm gonna hit the brakes, he'll fly right by."
Bridges! You really are in league with the big-bad who reminds me of Mark Strong but brown.
Oh! A twist! Bridges is a double agent? What was the paralysing doohickey?
Ah, he wants to reverse engineer the Iron Man suit and sell them. So he *is* a baddie again. Interesting. Twist the twist.
He got Tony with the paralysing gizmo. How did he get to Tony's place so fast?
Ah, that mini arc reactor removal tool he got for christmas finally came in useful.
The robot arm came in useful after all. Called it!
Hanging chains: only ever used to create suspense in movies. Otherwise, what are they for?
Bad guy go boom! I hope Pepper got out if there in time.
Tony's suit is actually kinda weedy compared to Bridges' space marine getup.
Yay, Pep and Tony are OK, and Agent Coulson is solving all the problems. He's a useful guy to have around.
Aha! I knew they'd fit the Sabbath song in there. And he said the song title, bravo!
Was the computer called Jarvis? Because Paul Bettany is the only English guy in the cast and I don't remember seeing him in the movie. If that's the case then that's why his English accent was so good :)
That was really good! I thoroughly enjoyed it. I had no idea what to expect so there was no chance of it not living up to expectations, but it's set a high benchmark for the rest of the series to come.
Top image is credited to "DeviantArt user Hobo123″ here, though I can't find that user on DA. Let me know if you know the source and I'll credit it properly.