.. . .Imma jump in the shower and then break out my Jameson and Bacardi 151 and then we should totally live blog Sharknado.

UPDATE: -8:50 PM ET- 10 Minutes until Sharknado. Beyond this point there will be spoilers. Life may not be worth living if the incredible plot twists of Sharknado are ruined for you, so please, if you cannot watch it as it airs, stop reading right here.

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”-

-9:05 Captain Santiago is my kind of scum...I mean chum.

-9:07 Could San Diego Comic Con be affected by a Sharknado?

-9:11 "Hey get out of the water!" β€”- Very helpful advice, middle aged surfer dude.

Advertisement

-9:15 Australian dude's shark tales rival those of Quint's:

-9:17 It seems like this might be shaping up to be more of a sharkicane. I wish Dr. Jeff Masters would address this unusual weather phenomenon on his blog.

Advertisement

-9:23 Pool cue vs shark! Pool cue is victorious!

-9:25 Say a prayer for Taco Tuesdays.

-9:26 The film's subtle homage to the climax of Jaws was wonderful.

-9:28 Climate change will be responsible for many sharknado refugees.

-9:35 If you have this expression on your face, you may have seen a sharknado:

Advertisement

-9:38 And I thought my commute was bad.

-9:39 Oh George. Sacrificed himself to free that pup, but ironically helped create what will later be a dognado.

-9:43 Sharks are shooting out of manholes. This totally justifies the existence of the SyFy network.

Advertisement

-9:45 There is a very disappointing lack of sharknados in this movie.

-9:49 The asshole dude was killed right away and like no one cares. Let that be a lesson: don't be a dick.

-9:57 This is really a very sophisticated commentary on global warming. The sharks are the karmic response to our collective indifference. The sharks are there to point up the folly of men.

Advertisement

-10:02 I think we need a bigger bus.

-10:03 Not one of those kids got sucked up by a sharknado? SyFy, I disappoint.

-10:08 Look out! There's also a shark hanging on the bottom of the car like Robert De Niro in Cape Fear.

Advertisement

-10:18 Conspiracy Guy gives a pointed critique of our surveillance state. The NSA does know what cheese you like. Every American has a secret cheese file.

-10:20 This movie could use an Erik Estrada cameo.

-10:21 Is it really this hard to get out of California?

-10:25 OK dammit. We better get our fucking sharknado in the next segment or SyFy is going to get a strongly worded email.

Advertisement

-10:28 I seriously thought for a moment that woman in the freezer was Justin Bieber.

-10:29 Best tornado sucking up a human through a hangar ceiling scene ever!

-10:33 I wonder if there is any way to chainsaw a tornado?

-10:35 Oh, Jesus. Cut the touch feely shit and give me my SHARKNADO!!!!

-10:38 I wish I could meet a girl who hates sharks that much.

-10:44 "OH CRAP! LOOK AT ALL THOSE SHARKS."

-10:44 Trust me, bombing the sharknado will work. AND IT DOES!

-10:46 Over the head chainsaw on shark bifurcation. Nice move!

-10:49 Uh Oh. Here comes the mother of all sharknadoes.

-10:52 I realize now a parachute would be worthless in a sharknado.

-10:54 This movie brings up a very good question. Why aren't we bombing the fuck out of tornadoes?

Advertisement

-10:56 This is, if I am not mistaken, is how Jonah got out of the whale. God's holy chainsaw.

-10:59 fin (haha...yeah that was pretty good tag at the end there.)

Advertisement

11:42 Epilogue: If the woman who survived Satanic impregnation AND Woody Allen is fortifying herself against a possible sharknado, you should too.

Advertisement

Advertisement

So our options are propane bombs from a helicopter and Tara Reid with a hedge trimmer. We are so screwed. #SharkNado

"Dad! The police are chasing us!" "it's ok, honey, they're just stock footage." #SharkNado

Advertisement

Meanwhile, in New Orleans a Sharknado is four parts rum, one part Triple Sec, three parts cranberry, and one stolen kidney.

Advertisement