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Let's not mince words: Your infant is the reincarnation of the Dark One. Don't waste time dithering on empty questions like "Which Dark One? I don't know what you mean." Come now. That's beneath you.

ALL Dark Lords are aspects of Him Who Cannot Be Known, unto facets of a gemstone the color of poorly-oxygenated blood; a ruby one cannot gaze directly upon. You know the one; it's been slowly turning widdershins in your nightmares since you felt that first dreadful kick!


Warning Signs That You Carry Hate Incarnate

Popular fiction has given us certain warning signs of the Dark One's rebirth. Chilling as these pieces of entertainment have been, their monitions ring with truth. Heed these warnings well. They won't change anything, but foreknowledge will remove the cloud of ambiguous fear, replacing it with the dread of certainty.

  • While carrying it in the womb, you thirst nightly for blood
  • Ultrasound imaging shorts out prior to a definite image, accompanied by the buzzing of wasps, so many wasps
  • Curious and tragic accidents befall any, any that dare suggest your child is anything but pure and good
  • Pickles and Coffee Ice Cream will seem perfectly reasonable together
  • The birth itself is painless, an eye in the storm of misery that came before, and the suffering to follow

Caring For The Newborn Prince of Sorrow

Now that He Is Come, any chance you had of escaping His grasp is moot. Accept it. You will find comfort on the throne while you rock the Heir of All Suffering, the True Dark Lord, your Lil' Hellraiser. And here are some tips and tricks to ensuring your first months as a Parent to the Embodiment of Woe go smoothly as possible!

  • Avoid direct skin contact (His coating shall abrade and be simultaneously too cold and too hot)
  • Mind His birth fangs
  • Bind Him tightly in pitch-black swaddling, both to help Him sleep, AND to cut down on Night Crawling
  • Forego sleep and learn to Walk the Path of the Restless, as prescribed by the Nanny who showed up unannounced and uninvited on the eve of the Dark One's birth
  • He is allergic to polyblend fabrics

Party Suggestions For He-Who-Does-Not-Know-Mercy


Before you know it, the little tyke's first birthday will be upon you! Go hog wild. Have no fear that He won't remember this early celebration. HE REMEMBERS ALL

  • Petting Zoo Goats are fun for everyone, provided the Petting Zoo does not expect them back
  • Ozzy Osborne does do Lullaby Covers, provided you know the six words of his unmaking
  • Ensure the Childe is not exposed to direct sunlight without SPF 666
  • Gifts with sharp edges are not only encouraged, but mandatory
  • Ensure things wrap up by 3:30ish so He does not miss his nap

Taking these counsels to heart, you're ensured to do a cracking job of raising He-Who-Will-Sit-Upon-The-Throne-Of-Blood. Upon His First Words, the world will bend to His will, at which point your services will no longer be necessary! So savor the little things while you still can!

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