Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks

Okay! So you've been attacked by a werewolf, and managed to survive. Well done you. Whether you were bitten, scratched, or otherwise mauled, I have some bad news: the curse has been passed on to you. Your life as you know it is over.

Wait, What?

Remember the other night when that wolf-like creature attacked you?


And those helpful villagers came along and shot the hell out of it? Leaving a naked, dying man in its place?


That was pretty weird.

Of course it was weird. For you, my friend, the weirdness is only beginning. Fortunately, I know a thing or two about lycanthropes, so I'm here to give you some pointers.

Wait, Lycan-somethings? Like from those Underworld movies?

No. Just no.

First things first. You've gotta:

Accept That It Really Happened

Yeah, right.

I'm deadly serious. You need to accept RIGHT NOW the dread reality of what happened to you. It was unpleasant, sure, but it happened. The sooner you let that sink in, the sooner you'll be able to take precautions.


But there wasn't any wolf! It was an escaped lunatic! The wolf thing was just a hysterical hallucination, brought on by traumatic stress!

Uh huh. Those inch-wide scratch marks down your side. They've healed awfully quick, haven't they.



And despite not having any injury there, you now have a five-pointed star etched into your hand?


Oh Shi—

Yeah. Congrats. Your particular werewolf curse is apparently a fan of the classics.



Simmer down! There'll be plenty of time to go berserk later. Right now, you need to see about taking precautions.


Like what?

Containment, Now That You're A Werewolf


Depending on whether you're a City Wolf or a Country Wolf, you have options. If you live in the city, things are going to be trickier, but not impossible. You're gonna want to go ahead and invest in a sturdy cage. Like, super sturdy.

You're joking.

I'm really not. Best case scenario, if you wolf out in a densely populated area, the police will take you out when you go on a blood-thirsty rampage. After all, you won't be hard to find.


And what's the worst case scenario?

You maim or kill others in your frenzied pursuit of juicy flesh.

/Quickly dials Cages-R-Us/ Um, I'm not getting through.

Try 'Cages, Cages, Cages'.


Alternatively, if you're up for a REALLY long trek, you could scoot out to the woods someplace remote, and let out your inner beast.


What if I eat a boy scout troop or something?

The Boy Scout motto is 'Be Prepared'. They'll have plenty of wolfsbane to ward you off.



There's a damned clever trick you can steal from Being Human, if you're more outdoorsy. Buy a raw chicken from the grocery store, put it on a string, and drag it through the woods in a mile-wide circle the day you're gonna change. Go inside the circle, get all lupus sapien, and your wolf should chase the chicken scent all night long.


That is damned clever.

I know! Wish I'd thought of it! Anyway. If you have a doctor, see if he or she can prescribe you some epic-level painkillers.


Turning Into A Wolf Is F*cking Excruciating


... What?

Yeah. Every single cell of your body is going to turn into something else. Simultaneously. It hurts like a BITCH. So I'm told. You could take the edge off with a couple painkillers.


Why not just get some horse tranquilizers and sleep the whole thing off?

Thaaaaaat's not a good idea. The wolf won't appreciate being stifled like that, and will push through in other ways. Ways that can get you fired from your day job.


You've watched a lot of Being Human, haven't you.

Sure, let's go with that. ANYWAY! There ARE some perks to this thing, ya know. It's not all pain and misery and cleaning up dead animal bits.


Perks Of Being a Werewolf


There IS a bright side! A few, actually.

Such as?

Welp, animal magnetism for one. Being in touch with your wild side will bring out a confidence the ladies (or dudes) find irresistible.


You're not serious.

As a heart attack. You can also look forward to really enjoying red meat, from here on out.


I'm a Vegetarian!

Good luck with that. Your other senses will also pick up in intensity. Whether it's temporary or permanent, you'll figure it out.


Okay... what else do I need to know?

I think I covered it. Guys? Gals? What'd I miss?


Casey Jones is a screenwriter and VO artist with a day job. He does not make plans when the moon is full. Because of reasons.

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