Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks
Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks
Illustration for article titled The Bad Movie Review: Transformers 3

So I used to have a draft of this review going, but maybe two Kinjas ago all my drafts were killed horribly. It wasn't a spectacular review, but it opened with a little vignette about me having a quiet Friday night and the fixings for Old Fashioneds that I rather liked. So here we are. Because I don't like learning from my mistakes, I watched Transformers 3 again, and now I'm going to tell you to do the same.

First off, let's deal with the "Michael Bay raped my childhood!" crowd. One: rape is serious business. Stop throwing it around. Two: Have you watched the eighties Transformers recently? I'm sure Beast Wars or something more recent is good, but really, the eighties Transformers is AWFUL. Ninja Turtles, it ain't. Try to re-watch an episode of it. I bet you a nickel you won't make it through. There is no way to tarnish the reputation of that show.


Transformers was pretty much undeniably bad. Transformers 2 was, by all accounts, worse. I would say that Transformers 3 was the winking self-parody the series needed. Did you think LaBouef was unbearable in the previous two films? He's WAY WORSE in three, but in a "look at this asshole" kind of way. He's utterly unlikeable in this film. Nobody will relate to him. It's as if the took The Beef in his very worst bar-fight-starting, I'm-a-movie-star days and said, "Hey, just be yourself." If you thought Megan Fox was just eye candy before, then you'll be amazed at how the new girl outdoes her. I wasn't certain it was possible to out-sex-appeal Megan Fox, but I think this new girl may succeed (I'm certain that both the actress and the character have names, but, honestly, they're unnecessary to the movie). The story is there, I'm sure, but is hardly worth mentioning. It's just barely complicated enough to justify have CGI robots bash against each other and wreck Chicago. And somehow, they manage to stretch all this nothing to two and a half hours.

But we all know Transformers is bad. Why am I telling you to watch it? First off, it's pretty much a parody of itself. Like Spider-Man 2 was a joke about B movies, this was the same thing, but with the biggest of big budgets. Second, they wreck Chicago. Have you ever met a Cubs fan? That's reason enough to knock down the city! Third, the performances are actually pretty good. For as much as I enjoy mocking LeBoeuf, this is probably the best role I've ever seen him in. Turns out, he DOES know how to do things other than shout, "NO!" a million times. The Witwiki parents are a riot, and John Turturro is actually awfully funny in his role as "crazy person." Also, they feature the Milwaukee Art Museum, which I recommend checking out if you have the chance. It's a beautiful building. Finally, this movie throttles back the normal Michael Bay military porn, so that's a refreshing change of pace.

So, do you like the bad movie reviews? If so, let me know. I'm thinking I'll do G.I. Joe next, just to cover another significant cartoon from my childhood, but let me know what else I should do.

Edit: Also, a depressingly underutilized Alan Tudyk. Do you need more?

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