If there’s one thing Archie Comics hasn’t been shy about the past years, it’s been allowing their characters to have absolutely horrible things happen to them. In 2013, Archie launched the Archie Horror line with Afterlife with Archie, a zombie horror comic. In this series a magic spell starts the apocalypse. Then last year, Archie went even more extreme by publishing Archie vs. Predator, a blood drenched crossover with the popular Fox sci-fi horror property. One thing became clear in both series- there are some people you want on your side in Riverdale and some you don’t. Here’s the top five of each.
5. Reggie Mantle
If you follow most Archie Comics, you know Reggie as a jerk and rival to Archie for Betty and Veronica’s affections. He’s a pretty unpleasant person.
If you follow Afterlife, you know Reggie as the guy who kickstarted the chain of events which led to the end of the world. While driving too fast, Reggie hit and killed Jughead’s beloved dog, Hot Dog, which led to Juggie running to Sabrina, which... you get the picture. Reggie knows that he did this as well, and has kept quiet. This on its own earned him a spot on this list. You know he’ll get his comeuppance soon though.
4. Cheryl Blossom
Cheryl Blossom... Hoo-boy, Cheryl Blossom. Veronica’s true rival (because even if they’re competing for Archie Ronnie and Betty are best friends), Cheryl is an upper-class mean girl, who attends private school and looks down on the kids of Riverdale High.
In Archie vs. Predator, Cheryl and her brother Jason are actually the ones who attracted the attention of the Predator, and indirectly causes it to notice Archie and the gang as well. She was horribly slaughtered as a thank you (how else would a Predator show gratitude?).
In Afterlife, Cheryl and Jason are close. A little too close. Creepy close. Okay, they’re totally bumping uglies. Until one day after the survivors of Riverdale hole up in an abandoned hotel, and Cheryl goes nuts. Turns out, Jason initiated the incestuous relationship, and Cheryl finally has enough. She slaughters Jason, and demands everyone start calling her Blaze.
Yeah, I’d definitely want to keep her around.
3. Moose Mason
Moose basically has two character traits- he’s dumb and he’s devoted to his girlfriend Midge Klump. You would think the former is the reason why he’s on the worst list, but it’s actually the latter.
In Archie vs Predator, Moose doesn’t do too bad against the Predator... unless Midge is hurt. When he rushes to her side, Preddie drops a car on them. Ker-splat.
In Afterlife, Moose learns that Midge was bitten at the school Halloween dance where the zombie outbreak started. Instead of quarantining Midge to make sure that she wasn’t infected, Moose takes her at her word that she wasn’t.
Both times, Moose died horribly because of his devotion to Midge. That’s what we call a liability.
2. Jughead Jones
Jughead has one problem. He’s never thinking with his head. He’s always thinking with his heart or his stomach.
Thinking with his stomach in Archie Vs. Predator lead to the most brutal death in the series. Stopping while the gang is being chased by the Predator to get some candy, the alien disemboweled him, then left his disembodied head resting in the vending machine amid the candy that led to his doom.
Jughead was Patient Zero in Afterlife, turning into a member of the undead after magically resurrecting his beloved Hot Dog. It’s great to love your dog, but loving him so much that you insist your magical friend resurrect him? Bad idea.
Let’s just keep Jughead away from anything important in any other Archie reality, mmmkay?
1. Sabrina Spellman
If Jughead was Patient Zero, why is Sabrina ranked higher than him? Because she’s the witch who used the Necronomicon (YES, REALLY!) to bring Hot Dog back from the dead. She also made things with the Predator worse by trying to disspell a potential curse, instead of, you know, setting up wards of protection first!
Basically, when situations are bad, Sabrina cannot help but make them worse. Much worse. Literally, apocalyptic worse. She means well, but she is clearly not well versed in her own black magic to actually help.
Plus, she’s both the destined queen of Hell and the Bride of Cthulhu. So there’s that.
5. Dilton Doiley
Dilton is Riverdale’s resident genius. And by genius, I mean he’s basically Reed Richards. Dilton has invented time machines, jet packs, suits of cybernetic armor, and a complex anti-siege security system for the school.
Really, the only reason he’s so low on this list is because his eagerness to impress gets him in trouble sometimes.
4. Veronica Lodge
Beneath that snide, spoiled, rich girl exterior, Ronnie hides an inner bad ass.
When faced with the Predator, she kept it together and took the gang to the Lodge mansion. She fought, and HELD HER OWN against the alien hunter as well.
In Afterlife, she’s been the most level headed of the kids, and has really been a rock for everyone.
So I guess that answers that age-old question, doesn’t it?
3. Archie Andrews
Of course Archie is going to be on this list. He’s the franchise hero. Archie is a born leader, he’s courageous and capable. Hell, he even goes toe to toe with the Predator and holds his own (after a steroid injection turns him into a muscle-bound superman).
There is no better proof of this though, than Afterlife. When he encounters his zombified father attacking his mother, he puts his feelings aside to save her life. When he encounters Hot Dog, he inspires his own dog, Vegas, to protect him. He’s the one in the lead when the survivors escape from Riverdale.
He’s important and capable, however he’s not the best.
2. Kevin Keller
When Kevin Keller’s debut was announced, he was revealed as the first openly gay Riverdale resident.
What wasn’t announced was that he was basically Captain America.
The son of a US Army General, Kevin is a skilled archer, skilled markman, strategist, and all around bad ass. His dad basically wasn’t just the coolest dad ever for an LGBT teenager. He was the coolest dad ever period. He made sure his son would be a bad ass.
And he is. He stared down the Predator with an assault rifle. He protected Riverdale’s survivors from zombies, AND hunted for food.
Overall, he’d be the second person I’d call if weird shit was happening in Riverdale.
1. Hiram Lodge
If Kevin Keller is Archie’s Captain America, Veronica’s father, Mister Lodge is Archie’s Batman.
He’s a multi-millionaire.
He has a loyal family butler.
He lives on a secured, fortress-like estate on a hill above town.
He’s a philanthropist.
He has high tech panic rooms.
A collection of ancient weaponry.
A hospital room that can regenerate limbs and transform a Predator into a new Archie...
Someone check on when Bruce Wayne stopped existing in the Archie Universe.
Mister Lodge isn’t just the Archie universe’s Batman.
I think Mister Lodge IS Batman.