Or is the night dark and full of terrors? We'll find out. (That probably eould have worked better if I had finished this up last night) Spoilers, things your grandmother thinks that I would be a nice boy if I would just stop talking about.

  • The ride: You know what, if I'm as low as I imagine a field amputation would get me, I'll drink the horse piss.
  • Tyrion and Varys: That had better be a MAJOR AWARD, if he's going to ignore his guest that way. Or we can discuss castration. That's cool, too. And maybe after I mainline season three, I'll give Human Cenipede a shot. I'm certain that one will finish making me throw up.
  • Tyrion and Varys, cont'd: Well, I guess Varys is a little more dark and much more open than I remember him being.
  • Craster's Keep: Gilly has birthed a beautiful Cabbage Patch Kid. Also, why do people have second kids? That crying would drive me up the wall!
  • Roz and Varys: So I have hope yet!
  • Roz and Varys, cont'd: Ladies! If I decide to abduct you while you're minor, let me tell you, you ain't getting your own feather bed. Maybe a roll-out. I am a playa like that. I roll deep.
  • The sept: It's got my favorite character; what more do you want? Dissent will be immediately dismissed. Also, why is Maegary the only one who seems interested in keeping the kingdom?
  • The forest: This is the long con! That dude is totally the flayed man's house's bastard (Bolton? My book is right next to me, but I am loathe to pause.)! Also, there's a guy whose family sigil is a dude with his skin forcibly removed. Did nobody think, "Hey, maybe he's a bad guy . . . "? Aww, Theon, it's too late to keep everyone from thinking you're a prick. No need to try to develop your character now.
  • Jaime and Brienne: I feel like I could pull off the "recently had your sword-arm amputated and saved a woman from rape" game, too, but I think it might be a somewhat limited-application trick.
  • The Lannisters: "I don't trust you because you aren't as smart as you think you are." And in one line, Tywin descibes my entire experience with Cercei in the books. She's far more competent in the series, though.
  • My girl. You'll still be dismissed if you talk trash.
  • The coastline: Beautiful, again. Also, this is how all my friendships begin. I say, "I want to be friends, good friends," then they add me on the Facebook. I imagine it pops up like a dialog box for them. "Save before quitting? Y/N? Be friends with Joe? Y/N?"
  • The pyre: Lord Mormont, we hardly knew ye. Sadly, we have to make room for a creepy discussion of Sam tasting Gilly's milk. So sorry.
  • The cave: Dondarrion comes off way more superhero-y here than I had ever imagined when I was reading.
  • Astapoor: I'm not certain why anyone would think getting a dragon is like buying a used car. And this is the scene that was used in all the pre-season advertising that made me think Emilia Clarke looked a lot like Hayden Panettiere.