Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks

The Terrors of Non-Christian Living

After I got out of the military, I moved with my family to a small town in Texas. This move happened about three weeks before Halloween and we were unaware that, in this town, they don't Trick or Treat. My son was 8 at the time so we needed to find something to do for Halloween. Luckily, we stumble upon a Haunted House right on Main St. I stood in line with my son as they took in groups of ten at a time. When it was our turn, we entered into a pitch black waiting area. Our guide for the tour promptly appeared, decked out in insane clown makeup, a top hat and coat and tails. He led us with his crooked cane along hallways made from hung sheets surrounded by the moans of the damned. In the first room were a group of adults who were pretending to be hippies strung out on drugs. A monster appeared and told the junkies that they belonged to Satan now. It was at this point that I started to get a bad feeling about this Haunted House. We were led to the next room where a pregnant girl was strapped to an operating table. My fears were confirmed when one of the players began to preach about unwed mothers and their sins. The fake stomach ripped open to reveal a demon baby! Scary! Not the demon baby, but the fact that I had accidentally gone to a Christian Haunted House. I don't remember the rest, but I'm sure it had something to do with the horrors of homosexuality or how the Devil lives in Dungeons and Dragons games. At the end of the tour, we met the preacher for the church that had put on this delightful All Hallow's Eve romp. He gave me a flyer for his church and said he hoped to see me on Sunday's. I assured him that this was not going to happen, thanked him for his time and made my escape to the safety of the dark alley outside.


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