Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks
Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks

Fact: The East Coast is on fire.

Fact: I walked to work today to discover I'm actually doing the later shift.

Fact: This was at 8 in the morning, so the heat had NOT EVEN REACHED FULL POTENCY. I have to walk back to work later unless I can con a ride out of someone. (Which I did. Score!)


Hence, SWEAT. I can't even pretend I glisten like a lady.


In no particular order, the worst types of sweat:

1) Head/Scalp Sweat: "Heyyyyyy girl I noticed you put on makeup today. I really like how you seem set on mastering gel eyeliner and wingtips. Looks pretty good today! BUT NOT ANYMORE. YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE. Also, I made your hair both simultaneously explode outwards and stick to your neck. And oh, did you think you were being so responsible and grownup by putting sunblock on your face? It's now in your eyes. Salut!"


2) Boob/Moob Sweat: WHY CAN'T I FUCKING 'GLISTEN' LIKE A LADY. I'M MAKING MY BRAS GROSSER FASTER. I am becoming worse than A Time to Kill era Ashley Judd.

Illustration for article titled The Worst Types of Sweat

3) Back Sweat: I'm not explaining why back sweat feels so gross. You all know why.

These also suck but I have lost some of my vim and vigor since my office is delightfully over air-conditioned:

  • Feet
  • Lower back
  • Armpit
  • Thighs

I'll get mad again when I have to walk home. It better not fucking rain until I get home.

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