Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks

Below is something silly that I wrote a while ago and never posted anywhere. So I'll go ahead and post it here.

When we were kids, we aspired to be all kinds of things when we “grew up.” I myself wanted to be an astronaut for the longest time. Nothing seemed outside the realm of possibility, and that’s what made it so much fun to think about. Sadly, life tends to get real the older we get, and we don’t necessarily end up in the jobs we wanted when we were ten years old. Here are nine careers that we won’t see in the “Help Wanted” section any time soon, but that we all secretly (or not so secretly) want.


9. Extreme Tech Support

Are you all about the latest gadgets and gizmos? Do your fingers fly across your keyboard like those of a concert pianist? Does your skin cry out for the life-giving energy of the sun? Do you purposely avoid social interaction? Do the words “Zoom and enhance” fill you with the thrill of challenge and purpose? Extreme Tech Support might just be the career for you. Don’t let the job title fool you. This job is about performing digital miracles, not spending hours on the phone with people too stupid to realize that their computer is not turned on.

Job Description: The most essential skill required is the ability to hack into anything – government weapons systems, national databases, power grids, state-of-the-art alarms, etc. You laugh in the face of firewall protection. All passwords are at your mercy. You are the most important and most underappreciated member of every heist team ever assembled, but due to the aforementioned avoidance of social interaction, this doesn’t really bother you. If you’re successful enough, you are guaranteed access to all the latest technology – stuff that puts your own custom system to shame. Try to avoid physical confrontations, though. Your talent lies in outsmarting people. If the situation arises, your best bet is to hide under your desk. There’s no shame in this.


Perks: The freedom to be as eccentric as you want. If the rest of your team gives you shit, just ignore them. They know they need you, and will keep you well-fueled with all the caffeine you desire. Unleash your id – spend your share of the take on whatever your nerdy little heart desires. You want an indoor swimming pool framed with an attractive mosaic of little tiled zeroes and ones? Go for it.

8. Supercop


This is the career for those with a passion for the law – passionate to the point that they’re more than willing to bust their own mothers for infractions as trivial as stealing their neighbor’s cable TV. This is the career for those who believe that there’s no such thing as “excessive force” or “civil liberties” for suspected criminals. You know who you are.

Job Description: Interested parties must be ready to demonstrate a frightening level of devotion to the law – or at the very least, your personal perception of it. The entire city is your beat, and any criminal stupid enough to even open their front door risks incurring swift and brutal retribution. Be prepared to become the number one target of the shady criminal underground – it comes with the territory. Because of this, personal relationships are discouraged but are probably inevitable. That’s all right, though, because you’re more than willing to sacrifice anything and everything you have in the pursuit of justice. For the sake of your police department, try not to have partners that are either rookie cops or cops two weeks from retirement – those city funerals are expensive, and finding new recruits is a bitch.


Perks: Remember, a Supercop is no mere police officer. There has to be something that makes you super, and you can probably count on some kind of cybernetic enhancement. This means being indestructible, or at least very easily repaired. This means practically unlimited firepower. And if your police work tends to cross the line, what the hell is your chief going to do about it? Your badge is welded to your chest, and your guns have been surgically implanted in your arms!

7. Mad Scientist

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If you’re one of those “What if?” people, consider a career in wildly unethical experimental science. You can channel your natural and boundless scientific curiosity into answering humanity’s most enduring questions: Can Man make God obsolete by creating life from nothing? Does the brain hold hidden depths of awesome potential? What happens when you surgically connect three people mouth-to-anus?

Job Description: Applicants must be willing to get their hands dirty. And bloody, and slimy, and greasy, and possibly gruesomely removed in an experiment gone horribly wrong. Grave-robbing skills are a plus. Leave your scruples at the door. Moral objections have no place in mad science – you’re playing God, remember? Try not to see living things like animals and people as they are – imagine what they could be with just a few small alterations! Mix and match! Have fun with it. You should constantly see experimental possibilities all around you, and act on them as soon as you’re sure there are no witnesses. Unfortunately, the law isn’t very understanding when it comes to human experimentation, so your actions must be covert.


Perks: The joy of scientific discovery, and the agony (but beautiful poetic justice) of being destroyed by your own creations. You can be the first one to try out any gadgets or chemical enhancers that come into existence as a result of your research. Who knows? You might even become the victim of your own horrifying experiments! Don’t expect to be appreciated in your own time, but your research will no doubt inspire future generations of sociopaths with a predilection for science.

6. Treasure Hunter


Were you that kid who dug a three-foot hole in the backyard, accidentally rupturing the septic tank? Why not transfer your coveting and excavation skills to finding real treasure, instead of tearing up your mother’s flower garden? All of the same fun with an actual potential for profit!

Job Description: Determination is the key. This line of work requires individuals who aren’t discouraged by a significant rate of failure. Hey – it wouldn’t be treasure if it were everywhere, right? The important thing is to keep trying, and stay one step ahead of the rival gang of treasure hunters that do nothing but follow you around because they’re too lazy or stupid to follow their own leads. Don’t pay any attention to the whiny but persistent and attractive archaeologists that will try to tell you that the pile of gold coins you just found are “historical artifacts”. Screw history – you just struck it rich! Be willing to branch out into sunken treasures, as well. There’s a lot less digging and a lot more opportunities to be eaten by sharks, but the payoffs can be just as sweet. Watch out for cursed items.


Perks: What could be better than seeing the world on your quest to discover treasure? Sure, you’ll always be running into thieves more than willing to kill you and take your gold, but who doesn’t love a little adrenaline rush? Life’s too short to worry about premature death, and there are always the attractive and persistent archaeologists to consider, too.

5. Master Thief


This profession – nay, art form – is for people with a flexible interpretation of the rules of property ownership. But it’s not really about the priceless artwork and fabulous jewels – this job is for those who love the challenge! Master Thieves regard their thefts as highly as any other pretentious douchebag with a very specialized and exclusive hobby.

Job Description: Essential skills include, but are not limited to, the following: stealth, flexibility, wiry strength, suction-cup wall-climbing, disguise, improvisation… Really, the list could go on and on. Heist crews are an option, but score no points for artistry. The worst thing anyone could ever call you would be “common thief”, because you have fantastic technique to go along with your over-inflated sense of self-importance. Get revenge on your detractors by tranquilizing their security guards, disabling their motion detectors, and stealing their collection of Faberge eggs. Avoid getting caught at all costs, either by your target or law enforcement! More important than the prospect of death or life in prison is the fact that the game would then be over, and your precious reputation would be forever besmirched.


Perks: Versatility. The options are endless – you could be an international social climber, equally at home in formal evening wear or stealthy black ninja garb. You could be a shadowy figure of mystery, leaving nothing but a unique calling card at the scenes of your greatest triumphs as the only clue to your identity. Do whatever is in your heart.

4. Time Traveler


Have you always felt as though you don’t really belong to the world you’re living in? Is your crazy hippie aunt always telling you that you have an “old soul”? If so, you might want to get into time travel. It’s ideal for history buffs, perpetual tourists, and anyone who’s so sick of hearing their grandfather bitch about how good things were in his day that they’re willing to go sixty years back in time just to punch him in the face and ask “How good is it now, huh? HUH?!”

Job Description: Applicants must supply their own means of transportation! This cannot be stressed enough. Fortunately, the “how” isn’t important, as long as you’re able to travel through time. Whether it’s by magic, wormholes, Delorean, or TARDIS, you just need to be able to escape the rigid linear march of time. The best candidates would also possess a sense of adventure, but keep your desire to change history in check! It’s not your place to “fix” whatever you think may be wrong, and you could set in motion a chain of events that brings about the end of the world. So don’t do it – unless your interference is exactly what prevents the end of the world from happening. You’ll have to figure that out on a case-by-case basis. Also, remember to do your research before you attempt any time travel! It’s best not to risk becoming one of your own ancestors.


Perks: You can see anything you want, whether it’s the construction of the pyramids in Egypt (ancient space aliens), the building of Stonehenge (ancient space aliens), or the mass extinction of the dinosaurs (ancient space aliens). Oh, and those huge stone heads on Easter Island? You guessed it. And if you’re ever in the middle of making breakfast and find that you’re out of eggs, just go back to last Wednesday and borrow some from yourself. Easy peasy.

3. Monster Hunter


This would be a natural career choice for any kids who were haunted by the monsters in their closet, under their bed, and at the end of their book. Take revenge for all those years of being too afraid to get out of bed to go to the bathroom by slaying the things that go bump in the night.

Job Description: Anyone who faints at the sight of blood has no place in this profession. Things get messy in this line of work, so if you’re squeamish, don’t bother – you’ll only get yourself killed. Strong will is essential for monster hunting, as is familiarity and skill with various forms of weaponry. Don’t neglect building a good collection of the tools of the trade – an arsenal big enough to rival that of most small countries wouldn’t go amiss. Be sure to hone your research skills as well – it always pays to know your enemy. Whether your quarry is vampires, werewolves, bogeymen, banshees or Bigfoot, you must always be thinking at least two steps ahead of the monsters – three, ideally.


Perks: If you have trouble expressing your anger in healthy ways, you can take out all your frustration on the godless killing machines you stalk in the night. And even though the average life expectancy of a monster hunter isn’t great, it still beats the hell out of most other dead-end jobs.

2. Superhero


If the thought of all the injustice and tragedy in the world keeps you up at night and you have the drive to Do Something About It, then look no further. You’ll have the opportunity to help people. Criminals and thugs will tremble at the sound of your name. City, national, or world-wide honors will be yours. If you play your cards right, lots and lots of people will want to have sex with you.

Job Description: Superheroes are usually required to have some kind of superpower, though sometimes they can be just as effective with a massive private income and access to a major corporation’s R&D department. A suitably tragic past is absolutely essential, however! People with happy and well-adjusted backgrounds need not apply. We’re talking the kind of past – even if it’s just recent – that brutally shaped your once-bright future into a cold, lonely heroic existence. Be prepared to be vilified at times. Your noble actions may be misunderstood, you might be smeared by your arch-nemesis, or some asshole newspaper editor may just be nursing a grudge. Don’t sweat it – the perks usually more than make up for it.


Perks: If your emotional needs are satisfied by mass adoration rather than a close, intimate relationship, then you’re golden! Besides, anyone who’d dare get close enough to know the real you would probably end up dead, and who needs that? Remember the part about lots of people wanting to have sex with you? I thought you might.

1. Supervillain


What, you thought Superhero would take the number one spot on this list? Then you have fallen victim to the trickery and deception that is par for the course in a career as a Supervillain (Bwa-ha-ha)! Let’s face it – being evil is just more fun. There are no crushing responsibilities to shoulder, no obligation to be a good role model to the innocent little children of the major city in which you are wreaking havoc. Anything goes, baby!

Job Description: As with the Superhero, a superpower or substantial fortune is usually necessary for this job. Fortunately, options are plentiful! Are you suitably evil but without the resources to really show up on your Superhero’s radar? Try rising up through the ranks of the local crime syndicate. Unable to make a terrifying impression on the citizenry? Costumes are good, but try not to go overboard into the ridiculous. If you’re not able to find a good tailor, some kind of horrifying physical disfigurement works just as well. Be prepared to give impromptu speeches, especially when you’ve finally got your Superhero right where you want him (or her). It’s important they know the details of your dastardly schemes. Prospective Supervillains must also be able to handle the following: long prison sentences, mind-boggling incompetence from your henchmen, and getting your ass handed to you on a regular basis.


Perks: As mentioned above, the freedom to do whatever the hell you want! Feel free to develop exotic tastes and/or hobbies that take millions of dollars to finance. See how many city officials you can corrupt or blackmail. Make a game of trying to foil your Superhero’s attempts to do good in the most publicly humiliating way possible. Even though you’ll sometimes have to spend long stretches of time in prison, you can always escape in time to re-surface as your Superhero’s nemesis. And if you die, well, that’s not really a deal-breaker, either.

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