Miscalibrated Internet Receptor Stalks



Here I am again on another restless night. I feel exhausted yet I am really sick of being so weak all the time. How is it that the days can seem to both speed by and drag on agonizingly slowly? I know it's only the second week of the semester but it feels much longer. It doesn't help that my routine is identical to last semester and the one before. Go to class then retreat to my crappy dorm room where I spend most of my time online. It's kinda funny being able to count the number of people you speak to in a week on one hand, and still have a few fingers to spare. All last semester I would go see a university counselor but don't know if I will do it again, she was practically the only person I would speak with. I have been here nearly three years and I have only made one or two lasting relationships, and those people have long since left, I barely keep in touch with them. What I can't stand is sitting alone in the cafeteria and not a single person out of dozens and dozens will even acknowledge me. They haven't before so why should I expect them to now?

I don't know, I like the classes I'm taking but even now am barely motivated to actually study. Yeah sure, I'll be enthused in class but once I leave I feel drained and can hardly do any homework, if I think it's worth doing at least. I'm in a few clubs but don't really participate in them. A literary club and a Japanese student organization. The latter is frustrating because I know none of them want to even talk to me let alone try to be friends. As for my major, English, I have no idea what I am going to do with it after I graduate. I've never had a job and I will probably just end up back at my parents. I've wasted so much time already. All that enthusiasm I felt upon first arriving has dissipated. Gradually I've learned not to expect much out of people, especially myself.


I really hate being so tired and apathetic all the time. I can barely concentrate, even the things I like doing are difficult to accomplish. Writing this won't really solve anything, this mood will fade and I will probably regret posting this but for now I just wanted to say something, anything.

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