So Thursday night, as I was trying to get ready for a religious event, I accidentially triggered myself (I’m not even sure if that’s a thing! That’s how out of nowhere and nonsensical it was) into a panic attack by getting frustration about getting dressed and laughing at SisterJuggler, causing me to cry every time I looked at the dress. (BTW, Shout out to MomJuggler and SisterJuggler who kept me laughing through the tears by making jokes and welding the dress like a cheesy bad tome.)
Then we have Friday, where I went on a rant to two of my supervisors about me wanting to kill one of my coworkers (Who, even in my rational mind, is the ACTUAL WORST) and going home early because I was just emotionally wiped and mildly murderous.
Saturday, I sat on my bed and wondered about what started all of this. I mean, this all started really hit its boiling point about 4-5 weeks ago and I was pretty good before then. What could have been emotional patient zero? Then it clicked.
I’m a currently cashier at a home improvement store. I’ve been there for nearly a year after my last job got a new manager and she basically pushed me out and is an actually harpy on one of her good days. While I had almost outgrown that job, I was one of the most crosstrained people who wasn’t a manager and might have been a manager by this point had I not left. I loved that job and it just hurts to think about how I had to leave because of the She-Beast. Don’t get me work, I like my job (?) but 3 coworkers and a supervisors are the worst, the schedule makes no sense and most of my favorite people have left or are leaving.
About 6 weeks ago, someone got the position I had really wanted at my job. In the interest of fairness, the guy is WAY more qualified than I am, had actually worked in that same position for 2 years at another store and what the department head really needed and wanted. With that said, I REALLY wanted it because it took me away from the more annoying parts of my job and it was FUN.
Around that time, we had lost about 4 cashiers within 4 weeks so longer shifts, I I hadn’t really seen any efforts from my managers about hiring new people and did I mention that the schedule seems to have been made by an algorithm that hits a meth pipe right before working on a new schedule? I felt stuck and I’m pretty sure I had my panic attack at work about 2 weeks after that. It’s clearer to see that now but man, was it freeing.
Almost as soon as that clicked, my hunger and, more importantly, my desire to eat came back and I went to work that night, feeling lighter. I worked an 9-5:30 shift, which loomed over my head Thursday and Friday night as a near death sentence, knowing disaster waited for me and I made it. Granted, murderous thoughts and some inappropriate comments still slipped through but not half as bad as it’s been recently. Right now, I’m working on regulating my eating and sleeping routines and pacing myself.
And yes, I’m totally still going to my doctor’s appointment Thursday before sweet Numfar, I don’t want this feeling again. I’m still tired and still fighting nausea. I want to know more about myself and my anxiety and knowing is half the battle. (G.I. JOE!!)
Thanks for slogging all the way through this with me, you guys. Your support is one of the reasons why io9 is one of my favorite corners of the internet. Please accept this gif as a sign of my love and gratitude.
ETA: It is a truth, universally acknowledged that you don’t find typos until you hit the “Submit” button.