... it’s either a very, very smart dinosaur - or everybody else in your movie is a freaking moron! Spoilers for Jurassic World...

So. Damn. Stupid. Every. Single. One of them.....

“The wood of the gate is taken from the doors of the original Park. We remind you of that so you can cherish what an incredibly stupid idea it is to rebuild it after everything that happened here! Also because this is very nostalgic. Are you feeling nostalgic, yet? Here, have one of our employees run around in a Jurassic Park T-Shirt he bought on ebay!”

“Why are you wearing a Jurassic Park Shirt? People died there! That is tasteless!” “Uhm... more tasteless than rebuilding the whole thing and creating giant hybrid killer dinosaurs? Because - that’s what you did...”


“Hey little brother! That gate there has obviously been violently torn down by something very big! Let’s leave the tour route and go off road through there! Thank goodness these hamsterballs are designed for us to go wherever we want to go without any kind of security or recall system! Remember that they had cars on tracks in the first one to prevent people from driving around unobserved? Silly 90s!”

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“We are going to let those raptors lose to fight the Bigassosaursus. With or without you! Even though you, Chris Pratt, are clearly the only one who even has a basic control over them!”

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(Vincent D’Onofrio is one step away from starting to cackle evilly all through this movie....)

“Hey - you know what we need to fight the Giant Hybridosaurus! A T-Rex! And if the T Rex wins he’ll just walk away! Because we’re buddies now!”

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“So - what kind of genes exactly did you put into that dinosaur?” “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you that! I mean, you’re the owner of the company and my boss, but... nah... I mean you never asked before, which... was.. kinda stupid, too...”

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Add to that - an incredibly forced and predictable love story plot, carbon copies of “bored kid” and “dinosaur nerd kid from the first one”. You get a movie you are not allowed to think about for one single second. it’s just stupid. unbelievably so.

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That said.... the dinosaurs are well made, but they lack every sense of wonder the first one had - they start playing the JP theme at any given moment, but at no point is there ever a scene epic enough to justify it. The action is well done - but it lacks from just having one single villain most of the time - making him super giant cloned monster saurus doesn’t change that he’s only one on a huge island. Which the writers seem to notice when they smash the birdcage - too late. Permanently reminding us of Jurassic Park with logos and abandoned buildings doesn’t make it any better - don’t remind us of better movies. (also - don’t remind us of the idiocy of rebuilding that park.)

The acting is OK, for most of it (including the child actors) - but then all the actors are given idiots to play... With the small exception of Chris Pratt, who - despite the fact that the whole raptor whisperer shtick is massively outlandish - is surprisingly the only one written with a minimum of common sense. He’s doing well. Most entertaining to watch.

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Summarizing - the question that has to be asked about Jurassic World - The Park also has to be asked about Jurassic World - The Movie. It may look nice, but who on Earth thought it would be a good idea to rehash this? Have we not learned the lesson from the first one?