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Why the World Needs Dino-Riders

We live in a world of turmoil. Skyrocketing gas prices, terrible regional conflicts, rising temperatures, rampant corruption, violent crime, the looming threat of a fifth Transformers film. People are beginning to lose faith, to believe nothing will save them.

But there remains one hope, lost amidst the refuse of time, but still remembered by a select few. A parable that speaks to the hero in all of us, strengthens our resolve, and keeps us always facing the light:


This wondrous feat of imagination and insanity came during the Great Golden Age of Holyshittery, the 1980s. It told the timeless tale of humans from the future, the noble Valorians (good=valor, get it? Ah, the subtleties of the 80s...) battling the nefarious Rulons, aliens with the heads of animals from Earth. By itself, this tale would be forgotten by all, consigned to the heap of all the lame Star Wars wannabes.


But then the Valorians and Rulons crash-landed on prehistoric Earth. And greatness was founded that day, for they discovered the utility of dinosaurs, mainly to serve as battle mounts for their epic war. The cruel Rulons enslaved the dinosaurs with brain boxes, headgear that forced the dinosaurs to bend to the Rulons evil will. The peaceful Valorians, however, had telepathic necklaces conveniently set to "dinosaur" that allowed them to exist in harmony with their new Mesozoic friends.

The two sides armed their dinosaurs with futuristic battle gear. Sauropods became walking weapons platforms. Pterosaurs became archaic fighter jets. Raptors and Deinonychus became Calvary mounts, while Tyrannosaurs became akin to walking tanks.


It was fucking awesome. Stupid, but awesome.

Dino-Riders lasted only fourteen short episodes, taken from us all too soon. But its legacy remains. I still have my Tyrannosaurus and Pteranodon. I still remember the wonder I felt, the explosion of imagination that washed over me when I first saw the show. We need that kind of imagination back in the world.


A Dino-Riders film with today's special effects would be one of the greatest spectacles to ever grace the screen. It could be a glorious masterpiece on par with The Lord of the Rings, remembered for hundreds of years as a triumph of creativity and insanity. It would ignite the flames of creativity within a new generation of artists, and remind the older generations that there is still some wonder left in this world.

The tale could be updated to reflect the times. The Valorians could be the last survivors of the war with the Rulons, themselves the last remnant of an collection of animal species artificially "evolved" by future humanity. The Rulons could want revenge against the Valorians for the sins of humanity's ancestors, as well as the destruction of the war. The Valorians could just want to escape somewhere peaceful, to start over fresh.


Instead of crashing on prehistoric Earth and causing difficult time traveley questions, the combatants could crash on a nature preserve planet populated with dinosaurs "resurrected" by Valorian scientists. This way it makes as much sense as something like this can, but still give us our dinosaurs outfitted with future weaponry.

And who knows, maybe the dinosaurs can ultimately bring the two sides back together, using the telepathic connection the brain boxes and medallions offer to communicate with the Valorians and Rulons. And Dino-Riders can be a parable about putting aside our differences, for we are all alike in our love for these wonderful reptiles. It could even restore peace to this wartorn world. I personally can not wait for this film to hit the screen, and hope it happens sooner rather than later. Hell, I'd make it myself if I had the option.


Just, for the love of all that's holy, keep it away from Bay.

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